Yesterday was a bad, bad day. I had a meltdown with John after returning home from a night with the movie crew. I lack confidence in his feelings about me, in our relationship. I'm having a very hard time dealing with all of this stuff. I see him bonding with everyone but me. I'm not sure about things. I wonder if I will ever get over him leaving me, and I suspect I won't.
I miss that feeling of security. Even if it was clearly false, I felt secure. It was a good feeling. And he left me. I'm not sure I can ever trust him. I want to so badly. I am filled with sadness when I think of it. I want to be able to be comfortable and happy with him. Has that been destroyed? Is it impossible now?
My heart aches. I never have felt like his "one." He hasn't treated me that way, doesn't say it, says he doesn't believe it, but when Ronda came back into his life, that changed. Then I knew. I am not "the one." That confirmed all of my suspicions. And it turned out Ronda wasn't "the one" either, but it doesn't change that it isn't me. I'm acceptable. That's all.
And what if "the one" does come along? It was different when he said he didn't believe in it before. There wasn't ever anyone who was his soulmate or whatever you want to call it. As soon as that lie was revealed, which also proved it was not me, I knew he believes there is someone out there for him. I don't want to be in the way of that. I don't want to be hurt by it when it happens. I don't want to be a placeholder.
I know I haven't been appealing. That doesn't help. But if I were his person, that wouldn't matter. I wouldn't be able to break him because I would always be worth it.
It's not that I feel generally unworthy. I only feel that way with him. I'm not suffering an overall depression that skews everything. This is very specific. I was rejected. I'm not good enough for him. No matter how I feel about him, he doesn't feel the same way back. That's not a match. That's not a good relationship.
Before, I just didn't want to lose him. Now, I think it would be better to be alone. I am better than a placeholder. I don't want him to settle for me and "accept his lot," letting opportunities pass him by. It's not good for either of us, even if the adjustment is painful.
What I want is to be his "one." I just wish I meant everything to him. I wish he felt about me the way I feel about him. Gifts and trips and allowing me to quit my job doesn't change the fact I am not his princess, soulmate, the one meant for him. I hate romances, but I still want to be one.
One Year Ago Today: