Counseling Progress Report

It seems I've run out of things to say. Well, not really. I've just run out of things to say that might be interesting to anyone, including myself. It sucks to be sick at home, because that gives me even less subject matter. And I still don't have a digital camera, so I can't even share a picture of how stupid I look right now. At least I'm out of my pajamas. This is why I should not write journal entries every day.

I suppose I haven't talked about counseling in a while. It was going really well, and John and I were getting along so nicely that it didn't seem like there was that much to talk about. It wasn't until I went to an individual session last week that we started arguing again. Going by myself always seems to ruffle my feathers in some way, so I go home and talk about them, and we end up fighting. That didn't happen quite that way this time. We argued a couple times later in the week, but I don't feel too bad about it. At least I tell myself that, and I believe it right now, but that could all change after our session tonight.

I was assigned another book to read. This one is just for me, and I've heard it mentioned a million times and always thought I should read it but resisted because self-help books only seem to put a bug up my ass. And maybe that's the reason we've argued this week, but I don't know. The book, The Dance of Anger, talks about how destructive the cycle of arguing can be, and I see it much more clearly. I could have written some of the paragraphs in that book if I were so aware to have seen those things I was doing. I haven't been so aware, and even when I am aware, I let my emotions get the best of me.

I wanted to think I wasn't as angry as I've been. The last time I took the MMPI personality evaluation over seven years ago, I showed a truckload of anger festering inside me. I thought I was managing that better, but I think I've just gotten better at covering it up. That's probably why my MMPI results this time were inconclusive and suggested I might be hiding. Of course, that offended me at the time, but I look back at it now and realize that's exactly what was going on. It still is too. Even the doctor said she thinks I hold back in our couple sessions as recently as the one two weeks ago.

I know I hold back. John talks so much in there, the exact opposite of what he does at home. I just let him go. I still have that icky feeling about arguing in front of someone too. And it's not that I'd go into an all-out argument in front of her (like she'd let that happen), but it's more like I don't want to lose it in there like I sometimes do at home.

I get so frustrated at times. It makes me want to run away. I think writing what I want on a piece of paper and trying to beat it into John's skull would be as successful as it is for us to argue the things we do. The book addresses all that, and I finally see how much blaming I've been doing. I thought I was owning up to my faults, but if I was really doing that, we wouldn't be having so many problems. I'm still trying to change John, and that's never going to work.

The good news is John wants to make things better too. He's probably more willing to work on himself than I am to work on me. I've been too busy being passive-aggressive (something I despise) and feeling fed up. I feel like I've done all the work and don't want to do anymore, but that's not going to change anything.

I'm still not sure what I'm doing at this point. I feel a little lost right now and scared too. My greatest fear is that we aren't able to work things out. I don't believe that in my heart, but there's part of me that keeps asking, "What if?" I remember hearing somewhere that if you are going to play the "what if" game, then you have to play it all the way through. Answer the question. So what if it wouldn't work out? What would I do? I still don't know the answer to that yet, so I'm still scared by the question.

One of my biggest faults is not being able to admit when I'm wrong. My family always said that about me, my brother in particular. Boyfriends said it. Now John says it too. It only serves to make me defensive, and I entrench myself in denial. But when I have time alone to think, I know it's true. I just can't accept being wrong, because I feel like such a failure already. Denying it probably only serves to keep me there though, so it's about time I admit my mistakes. I can't do anything about those things unless I recognize them in all their ugly glory.

I do believe I'm getting somewhere, as slow as that may be. It might not seem like a big feat, but having Christmas stuff up already is an accomplishment for me. It's a small step, but a step in the right direction. It's better than I've been doing in the past.