So now that I figured some things out, it's time I start working. I already sent out for info on school. I'm going to ask about support groups on Saturday or maybe go to individual therapy myself. I have to get back to work around here too. I'll check CCAC online and see what they're offering right now. I should research personal training some more. I have to move forward with what I plan to do with myself no matter what. Getitng out in the world right now is a good thing.
I do have one thing that's been on my mind a lot today and some yesterday too--sex. I finally have a sex drive again and nowhere to cruise. I've actually been thinking about it for the whole week and a half since we last did it. Today is just particularly bad. I don't feel right initiating anything, and I doubt he would either. Even if he wants it, which I also doubt, I think he would feel like he's using me or something, since he doesn't have feelings behind the act. I don't even know if I should broach the subject either. That could really turn him away. I suppose it's something to think about some more. Frustrating in a different way.
I should make plans for tomorrow. I'm already going to be gone in the evening, chaperoning the band at the footbal game. No awkward evening of trying to make sure I don't seem like I want anything. I'm fine letting him go and do his own thing right now. I just have to control those urges to go near him or touch him or anything. It's become so natural that I really have to be vigilant. I think I'm doing pretty well so far. I'm trying to keep myself occupied more, and that helps. It's likely I'll have to be doing that anyway if he leaves.
The days are bad though. I check email a lot and have a hard time spending the day alone. I just think too darn much. I keep trying to come up with ideas of what to do tomorrow, but I'm coming up empty. There's plenty to do around here, but I need to get out. I'd like to do something that would make me feel good about myself too. I'm just coming up blank though. Maybe I'll just go to the bookstore and see if there's anything to help me cope.
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One Year Ago Today:
