Nagging Feelings

I'm up already after having gone to sleep sometime after 2:30 AM. John had to get up early to go to Philadelphia to pick up a pinball machine. I'm not too pleased about that whole situation. This will make machine number three, but I think this one is going to reside at his friend's house to be fixed. That's right; the machine doesn't even work. John is driving six hours (twelve round trip) and spending money we can't afford to spend to buy a pinball machine that doesn't work.

What bothers me most is he didn't even talk to me about it. He did this without one word or consultation to see if it would be ok to spend over $200 on a non-working pinball machine. He just did it. I heard the phone conversations a couple times, and he did tell me about this guy that had an Eight Ball Deluxe for cheap, but when the time came and the deal was made, I didn't hear one peep, and I was hurt and angry about it. I would never think to spend that kind of money without saying something to John, and he's never done anything like this before. He would never claim to have avoided me on purpose about it, but I suspect that consciously or not, he knew I would say no, so he didn't ask. I didn't confront him with that, because it would be sure to set off a big fight, but I did confront him with spending the money. He apologized and promised not to do it again. I do feel better about the whole thing, but it's that deception aspect of it that still makes me uneasy. That will probably just take time to overcome.

The money wouldn't be that much of an issue to me if we actually had it to spend. But even then, I'd expect some kind of notification. I would never think to spend so much money without saying something to him. I don't spend $50, sometimes even $30� at the grocery store, before letting him know. I was always under the impression that we talked before spending, especially large ticket and "toys." Handling the finances doesn't mean he gets to buy whatever he wants. In fact, he should be even more aware when something is a bad idea. I can just imagine the fallout if I spent $200 on shoes without telling him I was doing so. He'd have a fit, and I told him so. I don't think he'll do this again, but the fact he tried to get away with it in the first place, regardless that it was a broken pinball machine, still nags me.

But all of that isn't even the reason I'm awake. Something else is nagging me this morning, and it's just a bad feeling. For some reason, Hammy riding along to Philly bothered me. I had the urge to run downstairs and stop the car before they left, because I felt like I wouldn't see him again. He hadn't come in to tell me goodbye like John did, and I lay in bed as I heard the garage door open and close and tried to control the desire to run out the front door in my pajamas. I mean, it's silly, right? He'll be fine. He'll come in and tell me how boring the ride was and how Daddy didn't talk to him and how he saw some of the things he saw on our last trip to Philly, the one that ended in cleaning up barf off a hotel bed in the middle of the night. He'll get ready for school and watch TV and kiss me goodnight like he always does, and I'll remind myself how ridiculous I was to feel like he wasn't going to come back to me.

I don't always do this. He leaves every morning for school without saying goodbye most of the time. John gets up with him, so I can stay in bed for another half hour. About five days a week I don't about it at all. I get these feelings so rarely that I do worry about them, even though none have ever resulted in tragedy.

I'm not a superstitious person who believes in omens or visions or whatever, but I do think humans have a sense for things that we don't always recognize or acknowledge. This is probably just a normal case of worrying about my son on a long road trip, especially since he'll be riding in the passenger seat with the airbag on the way home. He's technically tall enough and heavy enough to sit there, but I still don't like it. I called to make sure he and John both knew to put the seat back and to be extra careful on their drive. I told them both I loved them too. Maybe it's all I needed to do.

He told me he saw a dead coyote. Some Native Americans believe seeing animals are signs. The coyote was often a trickster, so what would a dead one be? A dead trickster. Yeah, yeah, very funny.

I'm tired now. It could be all this thinking and worrying, or it could be that I didn't get enough sleep last night. I hope that it's because there's nothing to worry about anymore. I do feel better in that respect. Now maybe I will be able to enjoy the Christmas party Booie and I are attending this afternoon.