Why does my brain torture me this way? Don't I whine enough as it is? This is Day 3 of another migraine-fest, or cluster headache-fest, or whatever-the-hell-kind-of-superheadache-fest. Whatever it is made me want to hurl just by sitting in front of the computer screen. It's hard to think, agonizing to move, and life-threatening to be in bright light. I'm wearing sunglasses in my house where no blinds or curtains will open today. Taking the dog outside is an experiment in how I would fare as a blind person (not too shabby). Even with sunglasses and my eyes closed, I almost barfed on the rose bushes. Maybe that would take care of the powdery mildew.

I'm more useless today than yesterday. I've already doubled the amount of Advil I took, and my head still fells twice as bad. Soon, I should have a nice bleeding ulcer to go with my throbbing head. I keep flirting with the idea of that lovely bottle of Vicodin in the very same basket as the 8-million count generic Advil, but I'm stubborn about taking medicine in the first place (I made the mistake for the 8,562nd time of trying to tough it out on Saturday), and that step to narcotic always makes me feel like I am going to instantly develop a habit. Even thinking about the drugs makes me feel like one of those painkiller-popping housewives you see on Oprah. I know it's stupid. Maybe that's why my head hurts so much... from so much stupid in there.

John offered to come home from work. First, he asked me to drag my ass over to the computer to check something. Lucky for him, he caught me on the kitchen phone during an Advil run (or shuffle) or he probably would have been poked in the ear by my middle finger when I jammed it through the phone line. He did ask how I was first, which was nice. After finding out I'm worse, then he asked his favor. It's a wonder his head isn't hurting too, because he has his share of stupid sloshing around in there. I did appreciate his offer to come take care of me though, even if it likely wouldn't have been much diffeent for me. It's hard to be helpful when you're down in the basement with headphones, but I wouldn't have to play "blind girl with husky" anymore.

I don't know why I haven't asked more of Booie. Cancel that. I feel guilty for not painting her room, so I don't ask anything of her. And she's my baby, and I spoil her far too much. Hammy could run the whole household by the age of nine. Being firstborn can really blow. I clearly didn't learn all that much from my own childhood. More reason my head hurts.

I have all these hypotheses about the causes, besides the stupid thing. My first one was alcohol. I haven't been drinking much at all. Before we took MIL out for her birthday, I hadn't had anything since seeing the band last. Something like March. THen it was one beer. On drink every two to three months was all I had. At the July 3rd cookout, I had a few beers and some wine with the excuse of calming myself so I didn't throttle the woman that accused my husband of stealing. I started feeling like my right eye was shriveling as evening wore on, and then as if my brain was expanding and pushing against the back of that eye, a sure sign one of my migraines was brewing. MIL and I even talked about our headaches. I went home and went to bed OK, and nothing ever developed, though the eye dryness feeling lasted a couple days. This weekend, I had a few beers each day, and here I am in bed, overdosing on Advil in the middle of a Monday afternoon. The alcohol hypothesis will definitely require more research. I will so not be pleased if I am right about this one.

Next, as sort of a sub-hypothesis of the alcohol mypothesis, I thought maybe it's dehydration. Alcohol does dehydrated, and I haven't been drinking water like I should. My fluid intake decreased according to my exercise, and since I haven't done a lick of exercise for at least two weeks, I barely get a glass of water a day. Since my eye always feels like sandpaper as the first symptom of a headache, dehydrations makes some sense. I end up with one eye closed a lot when this happens, and I wonder how many people think I'm winking at them. I'm too oblivious to notice at the time. Since I don't get out enough, it's probably not many, if any. Anyway, I haven't noticed an increase of headaches when it's hot. I must admit, I haven't paid much attention. It's just my health. More research is needed on this one too, it's clear.

Something I have noticed is more work equals more headaches. Since I doubt it's my delicate constitution, I think the cause in this case is stress. Or maybe I drink more when I work. Or I get more dehydrated. Or I'm more stupid when working. The solution to this problem is obvious: don't work. I like this one.

I thought through some of the usual triggers, like chocolate, but those don't appear to hold. Despite my great love of chocolate, I often go without it for long periods and have developed headaches during those times. And I seem to be able to eat great quantities of chocolate with the only side effect manifesting on my ass, not in my head. Caffeine seems to help, if anything, and I haven't limited my intake. Alcohol is listed as a trigger, which is sad, but I'm willing to try to refute that one. For a while.

Now, there is the hormone hypothesis, which is also a listed trigger. I may be the worst woman on earth, because I don't keep track of my period. Even though it's been all wonky the past year, I still don't care to chart it. I have a general idea of when it's supposed to show up, which is less and less accurate due to aforementioned wonkiness, and that's as far as it goes. Even when I go to the GYN and know they are going to ask when my last period was and how long it lasted, I will look up tot he ceiling and start thinking out loud, "OK, so I went to the grocery store that day, and I couldn't have done that Tuesday because I remember my mom called..." and so on until I finally ask what the date was two Sundays ago or something like that. My hormones are ruining my life, but I don't keep track of my period, so I could at least have a clue as to why I just cried when Secret Window was deleted from the Tivo before I watched it. I don't even have a Johnny Depp crush. Then there are "months" like this when I have no PMS whatsoever, no cramps, and a very short cycle, all completely out of the norm, yet I am incapacitated with head pain, and I have no way of making a connection. I do breast self-exams though, so I get one point for womanly responsibility. I'll have to try making the connection between exams and head checks. Then I can blame one more thing on those rotten hormones.

It's nice that I can write. For me anyway. TV isn't so great, nor computer. I can read in spurts. Or course, I can eat because my body wouldn't want to me me so sick I might lose a few pounds, now would it? I can't think of one good thing about this except to say, "At least it's not __________," which is true, but not a good thing. A good thing would be losing five pounds every time I get a headache or being able to compose some genius music or looking ten years younger. But no, there are no advantages so far. Maybe one day I'll wink at someone who decides to put me in his will.

My feet are freezing. You would think it's January and I've been tromping around barefoot in the snow. Maybe if all that blood would get out of my head, making it pulsate like a giant heart, my feet would defrost. Sheesh. I must have the circulation of an 80-year-old diabetic.

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