I went back to work, and all my routines fell apart. My house is a mess again. I gained weight. I don't write. I'm sure everyone feels really sorry for me, since most people have been working all along, while I had the luxury of being a stay at home mom, if you really want to call being taken for granted and looked down upon a luxury. But I realize now how much I truly enjoyed it, especially when I got my shit together and got good at it. It only took my husband having a mid-life crisis and leaving us for three months for that to happen, but it happened. As John says, look at the good things that came out of it.
But there isn't much good coming out of this working business. We recently found out John has to pay a little over $100 extra per month just to keep me on his health insurance now that I'm offered benefits. I have to pay for gas and parking. The kids have to find rides for all their after-school activities. I don't get to attend many of the meetings for the things they do or chaperone band trips, which were really lots of fun, believe it or not. I'm less available as a mom, and now that I feel like I'm finally a good mom, I don't get to be one as much. In the end, I don't feel like I'm making all that much money for all the trouble. But we desperately need even the little bit that does come in for my effort. We're still paying for my hospitalization and for John's temporary loss of sanity.
It's when things like last week happen that I really hate it. Booie got sick at school, but because she wasn't running a fever at the time, I had her stay so I wouldn't have to leave work. Later that night, she had a fever of 104.8. The next day at the doctor's office, he nearly had her admitted to the hospital for IV antibiotics. I know in the end, it wasn't working that was the problem. It was a bad judgement. But I also know that if I wasn't working, I would have just went to pick her up.
Then there are the politics that exist in any work environment, and those have really been getting to me lately. My overactive sense of fairness really gets me riled up in these situations. It doesn't help that I'm so much smarter than my position, but my education doesn't allow me to be anything more than I am. Heck, I'm already technically a medical assistant without a certificate. But even that isn't enough when I'm unappreciated. The honeymoon is over, and the therapists no longer see me with starry eyes anymore.
What makes it all worse is I made my own bed. I know I could be more right now. I could have been a doctor at this point, had I not been a complete idiot and blew my scholarship or even just went back to school sometime between now and 1990. I've only had sixteen years to do something but was too self-absorbed and wallowing in depression to make anything of myself. Now, all I want to do is go back to school... for anything. I don't even care if I find the perfect career for me, as long as I'm not a peon anymore.
There is good news in my life. John is still around, and we are doing better than ever. I'm off anti-depressants and feel better than I have in a very long time. John and his brother were hired to write six episodes of a cartoon short and have the sale of their first movie script so close that I'm writing my resignation in my head. I made a local friend who introduced me to Jamie Cullum by taking me to his concert. (If you ever get a chance to see him, do! Just listening to a CD doesn't come close to how fantastic his concerts are.) And while I have gained weight, I'm stronger than ever, because I've been sticking to my strength training. I'm getting back to regular cardio despite my aches and pains that seem to be growing and multiplying. Getting old sucks. Overall, I'd say I'm happier and more well than I've been in many years, even if I'm in a crappy position with work and not being able to go to school.
I keep wanting to write, but right now my first priority is finding the energy to clean my house and exercise. The messy house further zaps my energy, so that's number one. Being fat is the next on the list of things that wear me down, so exercise comes next. Still working out a routine where I can get those done while working, but I'm getting there. Then maybe I can write more regularly. I can't count on this script sale to go through until it actually has, so I plan my life as it is now. Should have been doing that all along, but I'm not going to dwell on what should have been. Did that too long.
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One Year Ago Today:
