I log on here almost every day, bring up the "add an entry" screen, and sit here with a blank head. There are plenty of times during the day when I think about things I'd like to write, but when I get in front of the computer, I think the radiation zaps my brain.
I am more inhibited than I used to be about revealing my life. After reading through some of my older entries, I've had a hard time not wiping them out. I don't like so many things about myself then. I don't like how critical and negative I was, how much I complained about John and the rest of my life. It's no wonder nothing ever got better. I debate whether it's good to leave it there for all the world to see... for me to see, when I have a different attitude and vowed to look forward and be positive. I feel great about things until I look back at those entries. They stir up regret and pain. That is the past, and while I know it's important to learn from it, it's also important to move on from it too. The old me did dwell on the past, wanted all those wrongs righted, spent far too much energy on things that couldn't be changed. But it is who I was, so that keeps me from deleting the old entries or starting an entirely new diary.
I don't have any grand ideas of helping people with what I've written. I realize this is a voyeuristic and exhibitionistic forum, not one for help. My marriage story is not typical either, since most separations do end in divorce, so I don't want to send a message of false hope to those going through a separation. Reconciliation does happen, even if it is unusual. It's hard to find any information on just separation without being automatically tied to divorce, which was extremely frustrating for me. So if I can be one impossible-to-find source, it's worth keeping those entries available.
No matter how many times my counselor told me to let go and accept the inevitablility of divorce, I couldn't quite do it. She called it denial, and maybe it was, but part of me says it was because I knew my relationship wasn't over. John told me it wasn't over, though since we've been back together, he admitted he did think it was over at times.
He talked to another woman extensively, even met her for dinner and drinks, right through Christmas-time when my hopes were highest. It's a discovery I had yet to confess here--one of those things on which I did not want to dwell. When I have talked to him about it, he asked me to use this as our basis for trust and not to drill him on it. He said he wasn't proud of the things he did and wanted to move on, to have a better future together. He assured me nothing happened, and even though he broke all my trust when he left me, I always believed that wasn't who he was. He was such a man of honor and integrity all his life, and I would interrogate him mercilessly about how he could justify what he was doing when he left. Along with other things, I don't think he could find a way to make what he was doing right and still be the honest person he is, especially when I made so many changes that erased any justification he may have had.
I can't say it was an easy decision. I was compelled to ask him every detail. In the past, he often felt I didn't trust him though, and it was something he found essential to a new, strong foundation. He said if I asked, he would answer every question, but he what he really wanted was for me to just trust him. He chose to be with me. He had an opportunity available with someone else and didn't take it. He was actually encouraged by her to give his marriage another chance, even though he said it was obvious she liked him. He did not want to continue any sort of relationship with her at all, not even on a friendship basis. He assured me that because he had no feelings at all for her, it reaffirmed his feelings for me. Before, I always wanted him to prove things to me and couldn't let an issue go no matter how he reassured me. I always let my compulsive behavior get the best of me. It was time for me to prove I really did trust him, so I accepted his explanation and haven't questioned him since.
He would have rather I not asked about it at all, so I can't say I took the high road. He didn't want to reveal any more information than he spoke to another person while we were separated who helped him figure out some things. I just couldn't accept that, and it did disappoint him, but I think we found a happy medium. Every day he is with me, telling me he loves me, saying he is happy, tells me we both made the right decision in handling that situation.
We haven't been back to counseling since he moved back in the house for good. We haven't needed it, finding ourselves much more capable of discussing issues without a mediator. I don't let myself get out of control like I used to do. It is so much easier on me, and I know it's a Godsend for him. Our arguments, and my out-of-control emotional outburts were one of the biggest stressors for him. It's better for us, but more importantly, it's better for me. I feel much more peaceful and happy.
The weekend before last, we moved the last of his things out of his apartment, and he turned in the keys. That provided me with an immense amount of closure. I feel like that closed the book on the worst period of my life. I learned a lot, made great improvements, have a closer relationship, and am a better person. My progress toward he goals I had and was working to achieve was accelerated drastically by all of this. If I could choose to erase this period of my life, my first reaction is to say, "Hell yes!" But if it meant John and I would be miserable, or even if just one of us would never realize happiness, I would go through it again. It was truly the most painful experience in my entire life. No exaggerating. I'm very glad it's over, but I can't say I'd change it.
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One Year Ago Today:
