The book is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, recommended by our marriage counselor. I realize now that I've seen The Five Love Languages of Children many times on teachers' desks and other parents' homes. This is the couple version of that book.

So far, I've already learned I've been doing all the wrong things. I'm very negative when I talk to John and criticize too much. I've always thought that if he's a responsible adult, he deserves it when I yell at him because he didn't take the garbage out or scoop the cat litter. He's been telling me all along he doesn't do well when I yell at him, and I have tried to do it less, but then I'd get angry again because something wasn't done. From my position, he had it coming to him. It was all a matter of consequences to me: don't do your job; suffer my wrath. Cause and effect. I didn't see past that, so I was being a raving bitch without even knowing it. Sorta.

I've already learned I have to be more positive with John. Why I needed a book to tell me that and didn't listen to him in the first place is beyond me. I'm stupid like that, I guess. It made a lot more sense in print though than in the midst of my being angry about something. The only time we ever seemed to discuss such issues was when something set them off, so we never had any neutral, calm discussion time about it. That, and I never thought past the whole "he deserves it" vengeful way of thinking. So I'm going to be nicer and more supportive, because that tells him I love him in his way.

The other thing I'm screwing up is harboring the past. After living through all these years of feeling neglected, I wanted it made up to me. I've never let it go. That's a whole lot of making up to do, and I would imagine it seems an impossible task when faced with it. That's exactly what I've been doing to John� telling him he needs to make up for all his past transgressions. When he makes a mistake, I heap it on the pile of mistakes he's already made and tell him to look at the mountain he's built against me. He's always said I don't give him a chance, (Again, I've heard it from him all along but ignored it.) and I thought he gets a new chance every time and screws up again. I feel even more hurt by one incident because I'm layering it on a history of hurt. I have to wipe the slate clean and stop holding the past against him. He can't change it, and I make him feel powerless and hopeless by bringing it up. Yes, it hurts. He knows that. I have to let him change without a big storm cloud hanging over his head. He's going to screw up sometimes, and it shouldn't cause the huge ordeal it does every time.

That's how I'm being a wicked witch, and other people have probably seen it all along. I've been too defensive and self-righteous about it to even see if it had been brought to my attention. A book can tell me I'm a bitch without consequences. My friends and family would have to deal with my reaction.

I'm halfway through the second language, and it seems to be calling my name. As utterly loathsome as I felt through the first language, the second makes me feel needy and sad. Yes, I cried again. I didn't stop reading halfway through because I was too emotional though. I was avoiding working out, and I had to get it done before I turned into a pumpkin, so I put the book down and did it. I'm sure I'll finish the entire book today. It's a very fast read.

John intends to read the book too. It was our homework after all. I hope he gets as much out of it as I've gotten in just the first third of it. It really is very good, much better than I thought it would be. I'm not much on the whole self-help thing anymore. I bought scads of books to make myself a better person in the past, but they only seemed to serve to confuse me and lead to more failures. I was skeptical this book would be any different, but the doctor really stood behind it, and I can see why. The true test is how it will affect us over time. I guess that will prove itself.

Before I begin reading again, I have to do some cleaning. I fell off the bandwagon the past few days, and the house is not quite the orderly place it was a week ago. It's driving me nuts, and I need to rein it in before it turns into a pigsty again. I don't need anything else telling me what a failure I am. I'm doing enough of that all on my own, though it is getting better. No more period rants for a while, I promise.

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One Year Ago Today:

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