I am obsessed with food. Whether I am eating well or poorly, a lot of a little, I think about food just short of constantly. In the past two or three years, my food capacity seems to have grown infinitely. I rarely find myself feeling stuffed, seldom full, and often still hungry. At least that's how it seems. I have become a food black hole--a magnetic force of calories so strong, nothing can escape.
I hate that I'm never satisfied. I know this means it isn't about food at all. At least that's what I hear. But I sometimes questions even that, because I can pack in two to three times as much volume as I once did. I am capable of eating far more than just five years ago. So it's not all in my head. I can physically eat more than ever, and because of that, it appears to take more than ever for me to feel like I ate.
Even when my eating is driven by cravings, there is little to no satisfaction. I'll have the DQ Chocolate Extreme Blizzard only to want movie theater buttered popcorn and then a coffee drink, french fries, caramel corn, cheese, green olives, a thick chocolate bar, italian bread with butter, whole chocolate milk, and on and on and on. I quit bringing food that tempts me into the house. John makes fewer special snack runs for me. We go out less. Still I find ways to crave and eat. I'll make food from scratch. I'll drive Hammy to the convenience store and have him go in for me. I'll forage for forgotten snacks. All to fee the cravings that only mutate into something new.
Some cravings are physical--PMS, pain. Most cravings are emotional. Boredom and loneliness head the list, but all other emotions are cause to eat. Insecurity and worry might send me looking for chocolate, while joy needs a beer to settle down. It could be that I am almost always uncomfortable anymore.
My weight is climbing again, and I just don't want that. I can't go back up there. I can't set another new all-time high. Most of all, I can't give up again. There is so much I want to do, and fat does not help, or in some cases, let me do that. I can't fail myself again.
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One Year Ago Today:
