Everything would be a lot easier if something were wrong with me. I could explain the laziness, weight gain, irritability, stupid decisions, quitting things I know are good for me, avoidance, procrastination, and every other negative thing I do. I had to get an MRI of my head a few months ago because of a never-ending migraine. The test was routine, to make sure nothing else was going on that would prevent me from going on medication. But I can't deny a little part of me really hoped there would be some nasty tumor in my head to give me an excuse for all the dumb things I do.

It's not much different than blaming your genes for why you're fat. I'm fat (again), and I know it's not my genes, even though my mom is fat too. It's because I make bad choices. I know why I'm fat. I know what will make me not fat. All those things go against my desire to sit on my butt and eat what I want. That desire isn't in my DNA. It's in my head, which, by the way, is perfectly free of tumors.

While I do own why I'm fat, I'm not so good at owning my other flaws. I still look to blame other things or make excuses for why I do and don't do things. My house is a mess because I live with four furry animals and three humans who act like animals. I don't have time to do things like clean and exercise and be a good friend because I'm working myself to the bone at my job. I watch too much TV because I'm stressed and need a break. Get the idea? While some of my reasoning may be valid, the simple truth is I'm choosing those things over the things that will lead to success/fitness/happiness.

The most recent book I'm reading (not the one listed, because I'm too lazy to update that) described a character's parents as being people who had a lot of potential but led simple lives that would never amount to much. Some people choose that life and are perfectly happy. Some are smart but ignorant. And some, like me, just lack the drive to do anything with it. It's hard to say whether it's more sad to know what you have and not use it or not know what you have. I'd probably vote for squandered potential being the worse of the two, which gives me reason to feel sorry for myself. Because I don't do enough of that.

Nothing more is wrong with me than being lazy and unmotivated. No tumors, no genetic disorders, no diseases, not even a true lack of resources. Just no hope.

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One Year Ago Today: