Various Memos
Oh coffee, why can't you be a protein? I gave up egg for you this morning. I should have eaten that egg. I need the protein, but I couldn't not have you, and you know I like you all dressed up with that half and half. I know that counts as a protein, but it doesn't compare to egg. I'm sacrificing for you, coffee. I shouldn't have to do that. Could you please just stop being so tasty and rejuvenating? I don't think it's fair that you draw me to you that way. It's not right. You really need to go now. Please. Please? Oh, you're just evil.
Turbotax, you are my savior! You see, we were expecting to pay in the neighborhood of $2000 in taxes this year because my dippy husband didn't factor in the 401k when he did his own estimate of taxes we owed. We sulked around for days, wondering how we were going to get our mitts on all that cash. We planned for meals of rice and evenings sitting in a cold, dark house to save gas and electricity. We were going to quit driving. I was going to have to cook. We were going to suffer until you showed us we did not owe $2000 but only $64. We were so happy, we wrote the check yesterday. Now we can go on the vacation we planned and maybe even get my stupid dent in the truck fixed. Thank you for being so easy and bringing us such good news. We love you.
Karma, you have a funny way of doing things sometimes. Now that punishment has been dealt to the kid who was teasing my son, j is upset again. He feels badly the other boy was punished so severely and was crying about that last night. I mean, my kid was being harassed in a very unhealthy way, and when something gets done about it, he still feels crummy? Something is wrong with that, karma. I'm telling you. That boy better get a windfall of good fortune from you pretty soon, because he's getting a pretty crap-ass deal right now. I thought you were about balance, not this lose-lose shit. Shape up and do your job!
Sleep, I know you're at it again. You're off gallivanting when you should be with me. I am tired dammit! I've been working my ass off (literally, let's hope) doing all this exercise and housework and eating right. I need you right now! Don't leave me hanging when I need you most. Have you been out with karma? Maybe that's why she has been so distracted. Cut it out, ok? At least until I get used to this whole working out bit. If I didn't need you, you would be so gone right now. You're lucky I put up with this shit. Don't make me force you to stay with me by taking drugs. You know we both hate that, remember? I don't need that manipulative crap in my life right now. Let karma get back to business, and you do the same. I'll shut up then, and I know you like that.
Right calf muscle, thank you so much for feeling better! I thought I was going to have to amputate you there for a while. It was pretty bad when I was hobbling around the house, but you told me to take it easy, you would be fine. Sure enough, you're like new now. No wait� you're even better. You just keep up that good work and see if you can get together with karma and sleep and influence them with your work ethic.
And finally, fat cells� I know you love me, but it's time we end it. We aren't good for each other. I've been putting this off for a while now, thinking maybe you'd take it easy, but you just keep growing and growing. I'm sorry to hurt you this way, but it's time to go. It's best if you just do so as quickly as possible and save yourself some pain. You're leaving, and I'm not changing my mind this time. I hope you find a nice, skinny ass to make you happy. Good-bye.
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One Year Ago Today:
