At My Disposal

I've been thinking about this death thing a lot lately for some reason. It's not that I plan on doing it anytime soon, but there have been lots of topics that bring it to mind for me. First, there was the whole thing with Booie when the possibility of that terrible finale did glimmer on the horizon. Thank God it never became more than that, but it was scary enough to even think about it to consider death a little more seriously. Recent news segments and television programs covering everything from organ donation to falling asleep at the wheel while driving have really made me stop and think I need a better plan for my death.

My only solid plan, which I've told John, is to donate whatever can be donated, then burn me up and toss my ashes somewhere. If he is bound and determined to bury me, then he better bury me as a little box of ash, because I don't see the point of taking up more land to stow me in the ground. I'd rather my loved ones just pick a special place to scatter the ashes and leave it at that, but some people feel more closure if there's a stone on the ground with a name on it. If doing that helps the ones I love and leave behind get through their grief a little easier, then so be it, but I'd really rather it not be that way. Turn me back into the earth from which we all came and renew the cycle. That's how I'd like it.

I'm obviously not attached to my body. I see it for the shell that it is, and I don't believe it serves any other purpose. God help us if it's as some people believe, and we actually go back or rise with our bodies. Zombies creep me out in the worst way, and that's the only vision I can get in my head when someone tells me that I can't destroy my body or I'll have nothing to come back to. [insert shudder here] Thanks, but no thanks.

I do feel rather strongly about being cremated. It's not a religious thing. I just think it's silly to be using acres and acres of land to bury bodies; bodies that are used and done. We are a throwaway society, but we create these beautiful parks to contain the used-up packaging that was once a person. Graveyards are the world's most aesthetic landfills. I know the body and burial are very important in some religions, but it just seems to have been taken to such extremes. And here we are worrying about population growth, but where are we going to be burying all these people when they die? The entire world will be a graveyard with the streets paved in gravestones like some old church floors now. I don't want to be a part of that problem.

I know John will honor my wishes, but I'm not so sure about the rest of my family. That is why I'm considering writing a letter of my wishes, but then what do I do with it. Do I send it to all the people who could possibly be responsible for my burial? If I did, would they freak out? People don't like planning for death, and I'm sure no one wants to be confronted with the idea of my death when I'm nearly 32, but why wait? I don't want to end up buried in some cemetery in a $15,000 casket with a body full of good organs. I don't know how else to guarantee that won't happen except to make it clear to everyone close to me what I want. They can have a funeral service and a viewing and all that other stuff if they want, but I better not have one organ left in my body that could have been donated, and I better get burnt. I don't think that's a lot to ask.

What I would really like is no involvement by any type of funeral service at all. They milk grieving families for appalling amounts of money, and I'd rather not have any part of that. No casket, no urn, no line of cars with headlights on in the daytime, no plot, no stone, no scary funeral director mangling my last name one final time. Hire a jazz band, get together with family, look through photo albums, view videotapes and talk about the good times. I know it's not easy. I'm the number one worst in dealing with death, but I would even rather do something like that than go through the standard funeral routine. That is my wish, but I won't hold anyone to it, because like I said, grief is for the living. If I have a way of making it easier for those I love when I'm gone, I'll do it. If that means giving up a few ideals, that's fine.

The legal aspects, other than paying for all those things I don't even want, still need a little work. John and I had wills drawn up before Booie was born, so they are definitely outdated. I've been waiting to redo those until after John adopts Hammy, so we don't have to do it again right away. Since the adoption is taking forever (I won't get started with that issue right now), so are the wills. Hopefully the outdated versions will serve as enough of an outline to see our intentions. It's not like we have a huge estate, so really it's more a matter of who will be in charge of the bills and kids.

Right now, Hammy would legally go to my ex, though I stated my wish that he go to my mom. I would hope my ex would not separate Hammy from his sister, but it's hard to say what he might do. I never could tell with him. That's why the adoption is so important. Hammy would definitely be kept with Booie if John became his father.

Who the kids will go with in the event of our deaths even after an adoption still has me wondering. There are so many variables with that, including the feelings of both our families. It's no wonder people avoid thinking about these things. It's hard enough not stepping on toes when you're alive.

We probably have a better plan in place than many people, especially those our age, but it still needs a lot of work. Strange how my house can sit in shambles, but I'm worrying about an event that will probably never take place. Forever the ridiculous one. If I get a gravestone, I should ask that be put on it.