Irony On Top of Irony

There are a lot of politics in John's family. They are a nice group of people who will do whatever they can to help one another out, but there are unspoken rules, secrets and loyalties that have caused some problems for me. I'm not familiar with that structure. My family isn't as close, but I also don't have to watch what I say or to whom I say it with them, unless it's religion. I don't talk religion with them, and they usually don't say too much about it to me either. It works for us, and we can be happy that way. I know that my family would also help me out as I would them, even if we don't have the open affection that occurs in John's family. Now that we live here, I have to deal with a family configuration that is new to me, and I haven't always dealt with it well.

I didn't learn early enough to keep my mouth shut. I know that now, and I know even more so just recently. I've learned that things I thought were harmless, things that might be common knowledge, are not to be passed on by me. John told me I just shouldn't talk about certain subjects at all, even if asked directly, and I feel very uncomfortable with that. I wasn't relaying opinion or rumor. I was relaying fact, but it seems I'm not supposed to do that. It appears that fact was in a restricted area, according to John and to the reaction I got elsewhere. I was hurt that John would not support me in my response in the whole matter, and we descended into an argument about the definition of support.

John believes that he was supporting me by saying he didn't agree with the way I handled things, but he would back me on it. I told him that wasn't support, and we went back and forth on what support was. He said I was looking for acceptance, not support. I said support did not include disagreement. He argued he was being even more supportive by backing me even though he didn't agree with me, that it took more for him to do that, and I should respect that more. I held firm that support did not mean telling me I was wrong.

He used the same explanation in counseling, and it didn't fly with her either. She said he was being wishy-washy, trying to explain too much and not owning up to the fact that he was siding with his family and not me. She went on to say it was clear to her there were no generational boundaries in this family and described it as some kind of clinical term that actually included the word "glob."

This was obviously a big issue, because we didn't talk about anything else for the rest of the session. In fact, we went ten minutes over our time because she kept asking questions and trying to reach some sort of resolution.

To pare the problem down to its barest point, John needs to establish himself as an adult with his family and handle the issues with his family rather than leaving me out to dry. He always tells me that I need to handle these things, because they involve me and not him. I've argued that he should be handling the issues with his family, because they are his family. He wouldn't talk to my family if the roles were reversed and hasn't ever talked to them about anything really. He has always expected to me to deal with my family and told me as much, because they are my family. It's a double standard that he's absolutely refused to see, and I was glad to have it pointed out by someone other than me.

Though that may have been made clear, I don't think he agrees with the notion that this particular issue is reason to speak with his family, despite the counselor telling him it was. He doesn't agree with either of us, and I think it has more to do with the fact that he is a part of the "glob" than it has to do with right or wrong. It's not that I want him to confront them right now, but if a situation arises again, I do expect him to do so. He constantly tells me I need to do it, because I have the problem. He doesn't see these things as a problem and essentially blames me for participating in the shit-stirring. He doesn't say it in so many words, but the fact that he tells me he wouldn't handle things the way I do or that he wouldn't "get in that situation" tells me he thinks I'm to blame. I interpret that as saying I'm not ducking when the shit gets flung, so it's my fault for getting hit.

The ties in his family run deep, and that has its good and bad points, obviously. He's a part of all that, and he continues to accept that role as long as he doesn't establish the boundaries that are our family of husband, wife, and children. It's not like I have wicked in-laws who nitpick or say nasty things to me. I don't have the nightmarish situations I've heard others describe. In some ways, I would find that easier to handle, because at least then I know what I'm getting. As it is, I'm always guessing, toeing the line between being social and sharing the wrong information. I have to be careful whom I talk to, whom I choose as friends, and what I talk about, because God forbid I bring the wrath of this offended family upon me. I've seen the bitterness that can be held, and I really don't want to be on the other end of that.

I've shared more now than I've ever shared with John at one time. It's difficult for me to talk about any of this with him, because he is ten times more defensive about his family than he even is about himself. I don't know that he can ever understand it until he is able to step outside it. Maybe he never will be able to do that. All I can hope is that he will draw those boundaries and become a part of his own family rather than being a part of the big picture. It's ok to be close with your family; it's not ok to let that run your life, even if it's only certain aspects of life. I hope this will make us a more cohesive unit, but I have to admit I'm scared he won't separate.

He said he would set those boundaries as we finally wrapped things up for the night. I could tell the counselor could have sat there another hour; she was so fascinated by this whole story, but we all had to go.

I left feeling really satisfied with the feeling I had an ally on this matter. It was good to feel "right" for once, even though I know I haven't handled myself without fault. I know I have things I can change to handle these situations better, and I will do those too. Besides a passing mention of my responsibility, the whole time focused on getting it through to John that the way I've been seeing things all this time was right on, and that felt damn good. But like I said to John before the session and again afterward when he asked if I still wanted to quit going, it's not going to do any good if we don't take action. I don't want to pay $50 an hour (after insurance), so I can feel good. I want to solve things. I want to not need this anymore. I can get agreement and sympathetic pats on the back from my friends for free.

So that's the whole ball of wax from my perspective. Even more ironic than expecting to go into counseling and do the same old thing, and then not, is the fact I mentioned John never reading my journal, then he did. He got to read the whole counseling entry in all its ugly glory, and I felt more uncomfortable than I expected. It got me thinking yet again how I'm putting myself out to the world. Psuedo-anonymous exhibitionism is a whole lot easier than doing it with those you know, and I'm probably exposing myself to a great deal of the anger and hurt feelings that I'm trying to avoid by going through all of this.

This isn't a complete picture by any means. I know I'm not seeing the whole thing. I also know that this really is the way I feel. I've been hurt a lot. I feel overlooked and expected to be the "better person" a lot of the time while others don't have to do that. I usually end up feeling like a big, fat heel whenever I stick my neck out. Someone knocks me down a peg or two, and I get out of my little world of Cindy. Yet this is an ongoing thing, and though I might be more self-absorbed than maybe I should, I don't feel I'm entirely wrong either. I don't claim I haven't been the benefactor of these same protective measures I've described, but I'm not discussing that right now. I'm talking about how this troubles me and why. And I just want to feel better and stop having to pussyfoot around all the time. If that leaves me out of the loop, then so be it. I really don't care to be in that kind of loop anyway. But yeah, I'm scared of fallout. I'm scared to be exposed, but this is about me, and, mostly, for me. If someone doesn't like that, well� maybe I'm misunderstood, or maybe that's just the way it is. I can't make everyone like me. I can't change people. I can't always get my thoughts and feelings out in a coherent manner. I can only try, and that's what I'm doing. I'm trying to make things better for me, better for my family, and better for everyone in the long run. The road to hell might be paved with good intentions, but at least it will be a smooth ride.