Inspiration, Exasperation

The worst thing about Saturday night's dinner wasn't the burn on my head. That was easily resolved by parting my hair on the opposite side. I can't go like that for more than a couple days, or my cowlick starts acting up. It behaved, and I looked ok if not a little funny to myself as witnessed by a picture taken by my mother-in-law. But the picture wasn't the worst of it, except that my face looked ten times what it should. The worst was getting dressed to go to the damn dinner. Talk about some misery.

I was already at a loss of what to wear when I started searching, but when I started trying things on, "loss" definitely was nowhere in the room. I don't have to wear nice clothes very often anymore, so I don't have many. The ones I do have right now were bought when I was heavy, so I really didn't think there would be any problem finding something to wear. Oh good lord, was I wrong! I went through four different outfits (which happens to be all I have) until I finally decided in which one to stuff myself, and I still had to yank out the super control top pantyhose and a control slip. I don't weigh anymore than when I was wearing these things more regularly, but I'm definitely bigger.

Wearing all that fat control sure made me eat better, but it also made me drink a whole lot more than I should have. I passed up the cake in lieu of beer. I still managed to keep my calories pretty low, but then I didn't eat any lunch either. It wasn't a good nutrition day. It wasn't good for much. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to sulk or go run. I found there's a very thin line between motivation and depression over this kind of thing. I may have kept myself under control that night, but the next day, I ate too much. I didn't exercise either. I kept telling myself I would, but then I wouldn't want to do it. I wore workout clothes all day, expecting I would work out, but I never did.

Incidents like this have sent me both ways. There are times when I would tell myself this gave me something for which to reach. Other times, I figured, "What's the use?" This time, there is more purpose than just fitting a smaller dress size though. I have something waiting for me in October. It's a dream, and it's stronger than the desire to be thinner. So I'm still going to plug away at it, because I don't know how I will deal with the devastation of not being able to compete in that race.

I get to run in the snow today. We didn't get the dumping of snow they got back east, thank goodness, but it's enough to irritate me. I hope nature gets this out of its system now. I don't want to be running in snow in April. So rather than blab any more about how I'm going to run, I'm going to go do it. Send a little cheer my way, would ya?