Kids Will Break Your Heart

I want to talk about something no one ever told me. Or maybe I just didn't listen. My parents certainly didn't tell me of the heartbreak I put them through. I don't know if anyone ever did. I don't remember it at all. Considering my memory, that's not saying much. If this subject was ever brought up, it definitely wasn't stressed to me. Since I became a parent, I've heard it a lot, but that doesn't help anyone who isn't yet a parent or thinking about being a parent.

What I was told is kids are hard work. I know now that that encompassed the pain kids will impose on your emotions, but before kids I thought that meant changing diapers, taking care of boo-boos, and making sure you knew where they were. I didn't know that I would have to deal with my child lying to me and breaking promises. I didn't know that meant I'd get calls from teachers when my kid is only eleven. I didn't know that no matter what I tried to do to help, nothing would work. And people tell me, "Wait until they're teenagers." I don't know that I'll last that long.

I thought we fixed this problem. That's what hurts more than anything. I talked to him. We formed a plan of action. John was involved. We told him consequences. He seemed to get better, and I had high hopes that we got him back on the right track. But that was a lie. And I feel like crying, but there are no tears. And I feel like screaming, but I have no words. And I feel like running away, but there's nowhere to go.

I know kids lie and cheat and steal. I know I wasn't the perfect angel that I like to remember. I know to expect certain things. What I didn't expect is to deal with the same problem again and again and again, because nothing seems to be working. I don't know what he needs. I can't seem to fix this, and I feel so hopeless� and worthless, worthless as a mother. How do women with kids that do things far worse than failing a class deal with it? Am I so bad at this that I can't even get my kid to care about school anymore?

It might seem silly that I'm so distraught over my son failing a class, but it's not the failing that bothers me so much as the deception. He wasn't completing homework, so I started checking his calendar/assignment book every day when he got home. He was "forgetting" his homework and books at home or in his locker, so I got notes from teachers, and I made him write apologies and tell them what he was going to do to improve. I thought accountability would motivate him. Little did I know he would go so far as to lie in print as well as in words.

I never did this sort of thing, so I don't know the motivation behind it. He used to love school and learning. This is one of his favorite subjects, or at least it was. When I've asked him why he does this, and I finally get past "I don't know," he blames it on being picked on and no one liking him, yet he got sent to the principal's office for being a class clown. What victim of bullies draws attention like that to himself? Why is he suddenly so disinterested in school? I had social problems in middle school too. It was one of the worst times of my life, but I still excelled in my schoolwork. I don't know what would make him change like this, and I have no familiarity with it.

I don't even know what to say to myself anymore. I just feel like a failure, because I've already exhausted my resources, and he's still failing and lying and being completely indifferent. Is this how good people raise bad children? I thought I was capable of dealing with these things. I thought I could adapt and figure things out and work them through. I can't even get my kid to do his damn homework at eleven years old. What am I going to do when worse things happen? And I know worse things will happen, because I can't even deal with this little thing.

My instinct is to lock him up in his room, take away all his privileges and treat him like a prisoner, but I know that won't work. None of the consequences I've used thus far have worked though. He's had limited time with friends. He has to do his homework right away instead of after he goes out to play. I check everything, including the stuff he did at school. His time watching television and using the computer was taken away and slowly given back as he improved. I don't know what else to do, what discipline will make him realize this isn't working. I've talked to him. John and I have both spent more time with him and offered help. These things clearly aren't working, so part of me says that yes, locking him away is the only solution.

I know I'm going to worry about this all day long. I got a call from his teacher before I was even out of bed, telling me that the improvement and responsibility I thought I was seeing was just a fa�ade. And I felt stupid and hurt before I even set foot on the floor. I have to call her back later to see what we're going to do about this, and I don't know if I can do that without breaking down. I know she doesn't want or need that, and I don't want to do that, but every time I think about calling her, I feel my tear ducts burning and my throat closing up as I take in a shaky breath. And even if I get past all that, what do I say? I already talked to her once and things haven't changed. She didn't offer any suggestions when I spoke to her this morning. I guess I just have to do it and tell her the very thing that I hate hearing from Hammy, "I don't know." At least I'm being honest.