I finally watched American History X after having it on the Tivo for near three months and wanting to see it since it was released on video. I don't believe I've wanted any other movie that made me honestly nauseous. I'm excluding Blair Witch because that was nausea from motion sickness, not from content. With this, I was so digusted and felt so helpless. It's hard to watch and process. That hate reaches out and hits you. It's real. It's breeding or being passed back and forth between people. Both, really. I feel small and ridiculous with my neverending complaints and depression when it is nothing in comparison.

This is my life though, and as I constantly seem to say, "It's all relative." I'll do what I can when I can. I will try to reach out more. It's no use putting myself down for being weak when I am week. I have to work with what I have and accept myself where I am.

I'm too tired to get deep. John didn't get home until 1:15 a.m. He had to wake Hammy up to let him in because the screen door was locked (by John himself earlier), and the bonehead forgot our key works for the front and back doors. He did come right in and say hi like I asked, but then he went out to "get ready." That ended up including email which set me off. After I went and got him, we had a discussion for about forty minutes, so I could make it clear again that I feel it's inconsiderate for him to be gone so late when he knows I can't sleep without him there, and then get home and get on the computer and delay sleep even more for me. There are other issues too, but I"m not getting into it, because it's late nd I was up until after 3:30 a.m. last night because we were both awake after negotiationg and talked some more about less emotional things. I still got up with the kids and went to work for a bit. John got up but stayed home. More on why tomorrow. I feel sleepy, and I'm going to take advantage of it.

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One Year Ago Today: