Choosing a New Path

I have had all kinds of things to talk about, but I just can't seem to keep my mind on any of those things long enough to get a decent entry together. It usually takes me a couple days to get one together. I think it's because my brain just seems to be on fast forward lately. I can't get it all out quickly enough before I'm onto something else, so if this entry doesn't hold together, that's the reason why.

I had counseling by myself last night. (I know I promised fridge poll results. I'll get to that, really. In fact, I have a very nice segue set up, if I can remember it long enough.) I was really dreading it, because she specifically requested I come alone, and I knew John had talked about me for a whole hour last week. I really hate it when I know people are talking about me. I'm self-conscious enough as it is without knowing for a fact that someone is talking smack about me. John also loves to spring new information in counseling, so I wasn't sure what it was I was in for. He gave me no clue. If anyone on the face of this Earth can keep quiet about something without being a mute, it's him.

I psyched myself up all day, preparing what I wanted to talk about. I was a little more confident by the time six o'clock rolled around, and as usual, it wasn't bad at all. We did talk about John's concerns about me. He's worried I don't have a direction in life and doesn't want to see me floundering in indecision. Though even the good doctor knows he has his own interests for this concern (get me out of the house and out of his hair), we both agree that it's better for me to pick a path and walk it. I knew that already and said as much here not that long ago. She and I talked about my talents and skills as well as choosing a reasonable path for my age. I'm not old by any means, but I am starting late in the game, and there are areas where I would be at a clear disadvantage to start now. Even knowing I had to pin myself down, I still found myself spewing all the same excuses for why I've stagnated so long. It was that self-defense mechanism kicking in. I do it whenever someone tries to push me, even when it's for my own good.

After much discussion, even going over the allotted time, I think I finally made a choice. Now I just have to see how to put that choice into action. I'm very interested in fitness, the body, and the mechanics of it all. Though I would still love to do interior design, it's not very lucrative in the beginning, and it's one of those fields where you have to claw your way from the bottom. I have grown too old and intolerant for that sort of thing. Plus, having a career oriented toward fitness and health would be physically good for me too. I've often considered looking into physical training, but I don't feel I'm in the shape to tell others how they should be exercising. I have to get in shape first for that. I think I would love exercise physiology, so I'm looking into that as well as physical therapy. So there you have it. I have a career path chosen. Now I just have to see what obstacles might be in the way.

As the doctor and I discussed my options, she said (for what seemed like the millionth time) that she doesn't think I'm cut out to be a housewife. She said that John didn't think I was happy with it either. Again, I said it's really not that I'm unhappy with it; it's that I am the only one that seems to care what state our house is in. John, though better than he used to be, expects maid service, which is not in the job description. Being a housewife does not mean picking up after lazy asses who can't even manage to get a plate between those spokes in the dishwasher or who step over obvious garbage on the floor. That is what I despise, not the job itself. If I didn't live with bears, I would probably be most satisfied.