The Big Blue Grass Killer

Did I mention we bought a pool? It's not a real pool, just one of those blue things with the ring you inflate, but it is a good-sized pool. I've been wanting one of those pools since last year. It's not that I'm a big swimmer, or that I particularly enjoy water sports anyway, but it seemed like a pretty neat thing to have, and the kids would love it. I often don't make a whole lot of sense when I buy things, which could explain why I have so much junk all over the damn place. This was outdoor junk though, something I wouldn't have to look at or think about until fall. At least that's what I thought before I bought it.

I did buy the big blue pool. Originally, I went out with the intention of getting the smaller, cheaper $88 version at Walmart, but John mentioned seeing an ad for a bigger pool with more good stuff at a sporting goods store and wasn't opposed to spending more than twice as much money. So I went shopping one day and did a little comparison pricing. There was the original 10 foot by 2.5 foot pool for $88, the sporting goods sale pool that was 13 feet by 3 feet for $200, or the even bigger 15 foot by 3.5 foot pool atWalmart for $235. You can guess which one I wanted.

I called John from Walmart first, where I told him about the bigger, better pool. He wanted me to check the sporting goods store anyway, so I hung up and went. Hammy and I looked around the store that seemed strangely void of pool items, and I thought, I'm going to get the pool I want! But as we went further down the aisle to leave, there it was... one sale pool. I think there was nothing on Earth that could have made me like that pool. It had a white ring around the top instead of a blue one, making it much less attractive. It was smaller and more importantly more shallow. Such atrocities! It wasn't that much less than the bigger, better pool either. I called John again and sang my song. I was surprised he agreed so easily to the bigger, better pool. I headed back to Walmart.

Hammy and I thought there was only one of the pools we wanted left, so we hurried back, because people practically bust down the door to buy pools. Of course, our worry was for naught. I should know that Walmart, of all places, would have an aisle-clogging display of great, big pools, and they were right next to the cheap, little pool that started the whole venture. I was suddenly smacked with guilt.

That always happens when I spend large amounts of money. If the grocery bill goes over $200, that even sends me into a tizzy. I hate seeing any amount with three digits before the decimal, and I start questioning whether I really need whatever it is I'm buying. In this case, I was planning to spend a whole ton o' cash on a big, blue, vinyl tub. Did we really need such a thing? Couldn't we get by with the smaller version? I panicked, slipped down an aisle full of ironing boards and hampers and called John again. "Do you really think this is OK?" I confessed my nervousness and asked if we would regret this later when we were eating baloney sandwiches at the end of the month. He assured me we would be doing no such thing and encouraged me to go ahead and just buy the thing. Maybe baloney sandwiches in a great big pool wouldn't be so bad, huh?

You might be surprised how big and heavy the box for that pool was. One of the friendly Walmart associates (she really was friendly too) loaded the box on a giant cart for me and wheeled it to the cash register, then two young and equally friendly boys loaded it into the truck. I think I hit my quota on friendly Walmart employees that day. I usually get the ones who haven't had a cigarette break in hours and suffer facial twitches that make seizures look pleasant. I took my good luck as a sign. I still needed something to smooth down the fear of buying that pool.

Hammy and I managed to lug the thing to the back yard ourselves without dropping it even once. We were awfully close though. I had a bruise on my thigh from where I caught the box on my leg from one of my many slips. I think the Hamhead had a better handle on the situation than I did. We scoped the yard for a non-existent flat spot, something that is stressed several times in the instructions and on the convenient videotape that says the very same thing as the printed instructions, only with pictures of way-too-happy people smiling their way through pool construction. I settled on one of the flatter spots in the yard and figured the slope on each side would even itself out. Fifteen feet was a whole lot bigger than I thought it was, and the thing took up a huge portion of our not-so-large back yard. I kept telling myself it was worth it.

The box says that you can have the pool ready to fill in fifteen minutes. I still don't know how. Even discounting the site selection, it took forever to get the ground cover put out, the pool all spread out and flattened, and the filter connected. It was at least a half hour, if not more. Then getting all the wrinkles out while it was being filled took another hour or so, but I guess that counts as "filling time" not "setup time." Thankfully, I was right about the slopes evening out in the middle, and we didn't have any major slanting pool fiasco.

The literature for the pool also said that the kids would get a real kick out of playing in the pool while it fills. There are many reasons why this is not true. First, the water that comes out of a hose is cold. Second, it took eight hours to fill that pool to capacity and at least three to get the water high enough to merit depth to play in. They did get in and mess around for a while, but it wasn't the great thrill it was made out to be. In the amount of time they were in there, the water level didn't seem to change at all. Yeah... that was loads of fun.

We all went in the next day, and it was still like being in arctic waters. The kids didn't seem to care much. Both had to take warm-up breaks when I thought their lips matched the color of the pool more than the color of a living human's. I stayed on a raft the whole time and never actually stood in the pool. Every time I thought about it, my muscles would clench up, not allowing me to move. Other than the cold, it was nice to have room for a raft and still have lots of space for the kids to play.

Of course, the big pool is a huge kid magnet. Every kid in the entire neighborhood has been at our door since we got the thing. Hammy has new "friends" until he tells them that no, they are not allowed to go in the pool. So far, we've had one guest in there when Booie had a friend over on Monday. It's not that I won't allow other kids in there, but we had two previous smaller pools destroyed by visiting kids. I have to be careful. I have to be mean. I have to protect my guilty purchase. I also have to deal with cleaning and adding chemicals to the pool when it gets dirty. Booie and her friend alone added enough grass and mess to make me have to shock the pool already and spend a half hour cleaning. Bigger kids only mean bigger messes. I'm not much looking forward to allowing Hammy's friends in the pool, but I'll do it. Eventually.

So far, I've managed to keep the water nice and clear and perfectly chemically balanced. I make sure it's covered every night and run the filter every day. Maybe adding "pool care" to my list of duties doesn't seem like such a good idea, but I'm doing well. It's nice to have something I can manage. Everyone has to start somewhere. Maybe this pool is what I needed to really get my act together. Uh-huh. We'll see.

The kids do love it, so it's paid off in that respect. I like hanging out in it too now that it's warm. Booie already learned that going under water, even unexpectedly, can be fun, and Hammy learned the freedom of not having to hold your nose shut to go underwater. It's convenient; it's not even twice as much as a pool membership at the Y; it's a heckuva lot more fun than that little pool we had before; and John has less lawn to mow. We're all happy. And I haven't even had to buy baloney.