Stabilizing Cash Production

It looks like John is going to leave the world of contracting and enter the world of permanent employment. It's not a done deal yet, but it should be soon. He met with both companies individually yesterday and got all the dirt on making the move. Now we're just waiting to see what kind of offer he'll get. We're hoping it doesn't involve too much of a pay cut, though a pay cut is probably going to happen. He said there might be a signing bonus to offset the pay cut, which will be nice at the time he signs, but wouldn't be so nice the rest of the time. I guess there are substantial bonuses each year though, along with lots of other benefits of working for a permanent and large company, like pay raises and extra vacation every year, and of course, not having to worry about getting your contract renewed. Woo!

John and I are torn about the less pay/signing bonus, more pay/status quo dilemma. The signing bonus would be a very nice thing at this point with Christmas and taxes coming. We could also pay off some bills that would eliminate the need for some of that income. If I finally get my stupid resume written, I'd be making a little income myself, so the pay cut wouldn't really be an issue, and we would be caught up on things. The other part of me really worries that we would find ourselves really hurting once the signing bonus money ran out, and we were left with that smaller paycheck. We're not talking a couple hundred dollars smaller either. It would be anywhere between $400-$700 smaller a month. That's a big yuck, and I don't know if we could manage that.

I'm speculating too much at this point. No offer has been made, and John's been told great effort will be made to bring him on board. He's very valuable to his team, and his boss really wants to make him a permanent part of things, rather than having to worry about talking the higher-ups into renewing a contract for another year when the company is eliminating 90% of its contracting positions. The HR person in charge said she would make John an informal offer first to see where everyone stands and do what haggling she would need to do from there. So far, things look very good, so I need to stop worrying. Hopefully, John will find out more today.

There is a sense of relief that John won't have to worry about his contract every year, especially when it comes up right after Christmas. That's a hard time of year to be out of a job. Contract positions are getting harder to come by with the economy the way it is too, so even a pay cut is preferable to making a bench salary that's only 2% of what John makes now. We would only be able to pay our mortgage and eat on that money. I like, no, crave the stability of permanence. I hate worrying about money so much.

I can't wait until all our debts are paid off, excluding the house. That won't be for another 29 years. But ridding ourselves of all our credit card debt, created by our greed and materialism would be an immense relief to me. We are paying for our stupidity and pettiness in actual dollars. To get rid of that would be to release the guilt and shame I feel for so much wasted. The balances are coming down. It's a slow process, agonizingly so. I still have years of penance ahead.

I carry a lot of guilt with me, not just money, greed, or materialistic guilt. I don't let go of many of the wrongs I've done in life. I also still do things which cause internal struggle, knowing fully what I'm doing but lacking the will to do differently. Later, that causes me more guilt. I do very little that gives me a sense of peace or pride. All I am revolves around my children, is invested in them. They are so much yet so little, for what use am I to live for others? Yes, it is a worthy cause, one I value, but there is so much more to be. No wonder I can't seem to be happy, that deep, constant contentment that comes in feeling my place has a fraction of meaning besides serving as an incubator for something better. I end up feeling guilty for not being happy and complete to be a mom and feeling guilty that I haven't done more with myself too. And that's just one facet of the guilt gem that is my life. I even feel guilty whining about all this.

Stupid could easily be added to my list of faults.

One non-stupid, non-guilt-inducing thing I did was run yesterday. It was actually a whole lot harder to run yesterday than it was to run the whole 5K on Sunday. I was glad to know my partner felt just as beat, and we ended up walking some too. I ran one mile and two half miles between walking, totaling five miles of distance altogether. Not too bad, I'd say. I plan to run again tomorrow. I have to keep at it.

I'm keeping at the basement too. I emptied two boxes yesterday, and though things don't look great, I got rid of a lot of stuff and organized the rest. I went through a box of all my old writing I'd saved. Most of that went in the trash. What a bunch of crap! I actually thought a lot of that was good enough to save. When I told John about it, he said I shouldn't have thrown it out, that I might want to read it again later. Uh, no, and I don't want it there for anyone else to read either. I might not be a real writer now, but I sure as hell do better than that! I'll be working on the last couple boxes after I'm done here.

It's about time I try and get a real resume together today too. I need to review my jobs and the dates I had them too. I don't remember any of that stuff. I'm still not sure whether to put any of those dates on the resume. I'm thinking not, and just putting the jobs in chronological order without any dates at all, but then I wonder if that seems misleading and might cost me a position for that reason. Best just to get something, anything started.