John sent this to me from work this morning:

You have *got* to video tape this for me on Friday!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Phat Man Dee & Tommy Amoeba

on Judge Joe Brown

Fri 02.07.2003 @ 3P

Channel 53 (WPGH, Fox-TV)

Tune in to watch Pittsburgh's favorite newlyweds go to court on national television in the case of the burnt pink wedding elephant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Love you!

John

I reply:

How did you even find this listing in the first place? I might have to divorce you over that alone.

Cautiously love you,

Cindy

I thought that would be the end of it as usually is the case with such exchanges between us, but I guess I put the fear of half in him:

So you know I'm not psycho...

----- Forwarded by John LongLastName on 02/04/2003 09:12 AM -----

"MAPgh.org"

Subject: 02.03.03 MAP |S c e n e + H e a r d|

02/03/2003

02:54 PM

_/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/

02 03 03 M A P |S c e n e + H e a r d|

_/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/

[Listing of various Pittsburgh music stuff, including the Judge Joe Brown show]

Because I was feeling witty at the moment, I couldn�t let this go by without comment:

Though that might prove you weren't trolling for white trash television, it proves nothing of your psychological stability.

We have to be careful to keep our humor in private. More than once, I got the evil eye from someone for saying something seemingly nasty while John knew I was joking.

During that exchange, I got an email from my cousin asking what cake I am. It�s one of those goofy forward-to-everyone type messages that I hate so much, but every once in a while I look at one, and of course, one having to do with cake is going to appeal to me. This is the cake I chose, though I had a very hard time deciding between this cake with the chocolate icing and the lemon meringue:

Vanilla with Choc. Icing ... Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a p! practical joker. Others should be cautious in shaking hands, however, you are a friend for life.

I am so not a practical joker. My cake is wrong! Maybe I should have chosen the lemon meringue:

Lemon Meringue... Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time.

That walk and chew gum thing sounds much more like me, but I don�t know about the speaking and such. Maybe a combination of the two:

Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. You are a friend for life. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time.

Which is all well and good, but there is no way that chocolate icing goes with lemon meringue. Blech. It would be true to my conflicting nature though.

Everyone wants to feel unique, but unique in a good way. Wearing cool clothes that no one else has, for instance. I do not wear cool clothes that no one else has. I wear dumpy clothes that everyone else might have thrown away fifteen years ago, but no cool clothes. Anything remotely cool is something about five million other women bought at the same chain store. I do feel unique, though, but the word I would be more inclined to use would be different.

I think we all feel different, maybe even outcast, at one time or another. What is really different about me is that my difference lies in the combination of things I like and don�t like, do and don�t do. If you picked any one thing about me, you could say, for example, that lots of other people like to eat their potato chips dipped in pickle juice. I�m sure that�s true. But when you add in all the other things about me, I become someone almost anyone can relate to a little bit, but not someone anyone can relate to very well. It seems for every one thing that attracts a person to me, there is something else that repels the same person.

While I think everyone we know and like, or even love, has qualities that are unappealing, my personality seems to have too many clashing traits. I manage to annoy or offend just about everyone, and it makes it pretty hard to make friends. I think I would typically be described as a nice person though, which always made me think I was simply too bland. And maybe I do appear to be bland, because I tend to suppress the controversial parts of myself in hopes that people will like me. It comes down to trying too hard. As usual, I�m trying to be what I think others want me to be rather than being myself.

I think it�s a trained thing though. Just like keeping our marital humor under wraps because people don�t seem to understand, I keep my own humor and opinions suppressed. I realize I�m doing myself no favors though. I�m never going to find the people that like lemon meringue and chocolate together if I don�t show that�s who I am. After all, John likes me OK, and he doesn�t even like sweets.

I guess what I�m getting at is I want some friends. I have friends. In Nebraska. I�d be lying to myself to think there isn�t anyone in the city of Pittsburgh that might like me well enough to hang out. Making friends is a lot like dating--I have to put myself out there. I have to stop withholding so much that people stay away from me because I appear too boring or secretive. I�ve lived here five years, and I still don�t have people with whom I can go out for a cup of coffee at 10:00 at night. I don�t have quilting buddies. I don�t have scrapbooking buddies. I don�t have writing or reading buddies. I do some things with my husband�s family once in a while, and I do consider them friends, but it�s not the same as having my own set of friends with whom I can gossip about in-laws without it getting back to someone. No wonder I love going to counseling by myself so much.

I heard somewhere that really close friends are hard to come by once you�re past your mid 20s. I guess the formative years are also the big friend-making years. I don�t have to have super-close friends though, just some people that might want to go thrift store shopping on a Saturday afternoon that aren�t related to me by blood or marriage.

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