I'm Hot

Now I wish I could say I'm hot in the visual sense, but alas, I am not, and I don't need amihotornot.com to tell me that, thank you. The words cute, pretty and even sometimes perky have more often been used to describe my appearance. That or no description at all because I look like a bag lady. So when I say I'm hot, it's because the temperature is too high for me. It's hot here... too hot for early May.

Since we live in the house of west-facing, magnifying-glass-impersonating windows, about 3PM, the temperature begins rising to a temp way higher than that outside. Open windows do nothing to stop it, and it's a matter of deciding whether to ride out the heat until the inevitable winter weather sets in again, because damn it if you're going to have a nice Spring, or break down and turn on the AC, so you can have a really high electric bill to go with your outrageously high gas bill and feel guilty about using air conditioning on an ozone action day, whatever the hell that is. I'm a little wimpy, and as much as I care about ozone pollution, I really hate sitting in a sweltering 95 degree house that only increases the chances of massive irritability and a sad-looking, panting dog and restless kids who think the sprinkler is a grand idea for five minutes flat. I can't stand it, so I broke down and turned the air conditioner on Wednesday.

Everything was good, even though the poor AC has to run all afternoon long, well into the evening to keep up with the greenhouse effect of our windows. The unit chugged away, and we slept comfortably that night. Yesterday, it got hotter, so I kept the AC on, but when it came time to feel cool air pouring out the vents, I was getting the same warm air, only moving at a faster clip. No problem. I would check the circuit. The fuses looked old and in need of changing, so I went and got new ones, because what kind of Boy Scout keeps fuses on hand at all times? Not I, at least until yesterday when I bought a slew of fuses to save me a trip to the hardware store in the future. I may not always be prepared, but I'm not stupid. Ok, I'm stupid, but not about things that increase my chances of laziness. So anyway, changed the fuses, turned everything on, only to have the circuit blow again. It wouldn't even stay on for a second. I messed with more fuses and reset all the clocks in the house in the process, but it didn't pay off. That circuit didn't want to be on, and it was not going to be on.

A call to the neighbor who works in heating and cooling supported my worst fears. The unit sounded like it went bad. So here we are, ready to buy this house, and the AC gives up the ghost. Now, the timing is actually quite good, because we don't yet own the house, which makes the owner responsible, but I feel awfully guilty about it. I mean, what rotten luck for him. But it would have been our rotten luck in a couple months, so better him than us. Still, I can't help but believe we'll pay for it in the long run. He's a great guy and all, but I know I'd find a way out of that if I could.

It's possible I'm wrong and the neighbor is wrong, and there's something that can be done. No one has looked at the unit yet. The landlord comes over this evening to see what he can do with his couple of classes worth of education on electricity and plumbing and that sort of thing. If he can't fix it, he has connections in the heating and cooling world... family connections, so it can't be all bad. I'm just glad I'm not footing the bill, because that would mean we sit in a hot-ass house until we could scrabble up the money for a new air conditioner. I'd probably get a lot of work done in the basement, since it stays cool, but I'd rather do that by choice. If I were forced down there, I'd probably just play a lot of pinball on the laptop and watch TV out of rebellion.

Today is the hottest day yet, but I've been spared some misery by a few clouds and using the Grandma method of keeping the house cool. I had all the windows open this morning then shut the house up tight turned on every fan in the house as the temperature rose. It's stayed tolerable as long as I lie around a lot and don't exert a lot of sweat-inducing energy. This might be a very good evening to go out to eat.

Speaking of sweating, I went to my individual session with our therapist today, and I didn't shed a tear. I talked and talked and talked some more and shared a lot of stupid details of my life that I believe have no relevance whatsoever, but when you're sharing the trivial, you don't get to the meat of the issue, so I'd say I was successfully avoiding my real feelings. My score of twelve on a depression questionnaire further attested that fact. Ten and below is considered normal, and I am not normal. I know that, but I answered the questions truthfully according the rules laid out in the instructions. I haven't been sad the past week, and I said so on the questionnaire. That's what it asked, and that's what I wrote. Same with the weight-loss question (I gained) and the sleep question that asked if I was waking up earlier than usual (I'm having trouble getting to sleep). I've been pretty happy since J and I talked and decided to go to counseling, which was just about a week ago. We talked about the questions in more detail after I filled out the form, so I think she understood why I answered the way I did.

Despite my fear to really share and uncover ugly emotions with a stranger, I am feeling quite comfortable with this doctor. The only thing that causes me some distress is her insistence that I go back to school/get a job/become more marketable. I have yet to figure out if this discomfort is from just being pressured to do something I am not yet ready to do or from being confronted with an issue that hits home. I do plan to go back to school and be more than just a housewife, but I'm quite happy where I am right now. She asked what I would do if J and I divorced, and I know this was an effort to stress my need to become more independent, but I was a little put off by it.

The most disturbing question by far though was when she asked if I thought there was another woman. She'd asked this during our evaluation session as well, but this time she asked why I believed J wasn't cheating. I have a million reasons to believe he's not cheating and very few to believe he is. He certainly could if he wanted to, but I trust him, and he is so busy with this band that he would be hard-pressed to find even more time in his life for another individual. I'm not making excuses for him, and I would not try to fool myself and ignore the signs. There are no signs.

J goes next Tuesday for his appointment. We aren't supposed to talk about our individual sessions with one another, but I told him the same things I said here. Plus, he knows everything I said to her anyway. He's heard it all before. I doubt he will disclose so much with me, but I can't expect him to. We'll work out our own issues when we go together again. That appointment cannot come quickly enough for me.