More On My Fat
I was thinking about the journal entry I wrote about making fun of fat people exercising, and it got me going on the fat issue again, in particular, my size. At 190 pounds and a height of 5 feet 5 1/2 inches, my BMI is over 31, and I'm considered to be obese by government standards. I don't have any real fat rolls unless I slouch while sitting. I still have a waistline, and most stores carry my size (14-16) clothing in the regular section instead of or in addition to the plus size or "Women's" (whatever that's supposed to mean) department. My doctor has never told me to lose any weight, which is a bit of a surprise to me. When I step on the scale in his office (or anywhere else where someone is weighing me), the nurse never moves the big weight over far enough. The life insurance agent actually argued with me that I did not weight what I said I did. I do carry my weight well. That much is clear, but even still, I have too much of it.
Where I'm going with this is that I'm the equivalent of a biracial person when it comes to acceptance amongst the fat and the skinny. It's not a happy place. The government tells me I'm obese. If I were buying clothes before sizes got inflated, I'd probably wear a 20. I remember wearing 10s in high school. I have a couple pair of size 10 shorts that fit me if I lose only 15 pounds, which is still 40 pounds heavier than my high school days. The fashion industry tells me I'm OK through the changing sizing making me think I'm only a size 14. In my heart, I know they just want to sell clothes, but who doesn't feel better when that tag has a smaller number? But clothing sizes don't really tell my story no matter how angry their shifting system makes me. (Lerner, I'm looking at you.)
What does tell the story are the looks, comments, and prejudices on both sides of the BMI chart. The skinny crow agrees in their silence when I say I need to lose weight while the fatter than thou crowd puts me down for not being fat enough to worry about such things. I've gotten nasty stares and noticed whispered comments both when I order dessert and when I walk into Lane Bryant. One side says I'm fat, the other that I'm not fat enough.
It's not that I want to "belong" to either of these camps. What I want is an end to the destructive comments that aren't helping anyone. Fat people have come to feel so wronged, and most times rightly so, that they seem to think it's OK to make the same kind of insults, in reverse, being made to them. Whether it's "eat a salad" or "eat a cookie," it's just plain mean. Those of us who aren't in either fold find ourselves getting a double helping of mean, and it's awfully hard to swallow.
I do think fat people are saddled with more hardship. My point is not to say thin people have it just as rough, because that's simply not true. What I am saying is hurtful comments hurt, no matter the size of the recipient. So last time when I said to keep the nasty remarks to yourself, I meant everyone. I think I made it clear, but some things are worth repeating.
I think what hurts most is a group that should be supporting each other most of all isn't doing it. Health is the real issue, not if you can shop in the regular sizes. I am not a big fan of government standards, but the BMI isn't all that bad for an across-the-board measuring stick. It's a whole lot better than the old system that said I was fat at 140 pounds. I still don't think of myself as obese, even though my BMI says I am, but I am carrying too much fat, and afterr people need to stop dismissing that. I've run into sabotage from my fat friends and family at least three times as much as from the thin ones. That's pretty sad. Jealousy is such an ugly thing.
My suggestion for anyone feeling jealous of someone else's success in weight loss or of a not-as-fat person who wants to lose is to join forces. If some skinny person offered me an opportunity to get fit with her, I'd be all over it. Where better to learn how to be thinner than from one who is there? If someone heavier than I seriously wanted to lose weight, I'd be all over that too. Then I'd have a partner with some understanding of fat life. Either way, it's a chance to help someone else, and that makes me feel a whole lot better about myself than putting someone down, so I can step up.
I am far from Miss Perfect Goody-Two-Shoes. We all fall on our faces once in a while and engage in behavior we would rather not. I am not immune. I am finding myself succumbing to it much less as I see the benefits of alternative behavior. I am damn good at keep the venom from escaping my lips now. It will take a little longer to later the thought process.
I am still looking for opportunities in big and little sizes to get a partner or two and establish a support system. So far, most people just talk about getting fit, hmm-ing and haw-ing when I suggest we do something about it together. I just let it go as not being ready and keep looking. I do have potential of gaining a partner in John's cousin who is 20 pounds lighter and 2 1/2 inches taller than I am. She wants to lose weight, and I completely support that. We'll probably start Tae-Bo-ing once the kids are in school (whenever that might be). I'm using the means available to get where I want to go.
Sometimes it is hard to listen to someone bitch about how much she has to lose when you have twice that or more. Hopelessness has a way of creeping in whenever possible, but that feeling doesn't make another person's claim any less valid or heartfelt, excluding attention whores trolling for complements. I think the negative self-defeating thoughts like that simply need to be beat back with a big, fat stick. Rather than spout more about replacing the bad with the good, sometimes you just have to get angry. You have to find ways to cope, and one of mine happens to be that big, fat mental stick walloping on the ugly head of jealousy. It sure beats undermining someone else and leaving you both in a pit.
One year ago
Nothing
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One Year Ago Today:
