I'm not sure what to make of John's most recent message. I know what I'm drawn to make of it, but I'm so scared to pin hope on anything. Nothing has gone the way I want, so it's not such a good idea to expose myself to more pain. I'm actively searching for signs of him changing his mind, even though it isn't good for me. I'm just so panic-stricken by even the notion of life without him.
He spoke at length with Rhonda earlier this week. It bothers me that he had to do it while I was away. It proves he knows somehow it's not right. He said they both agreed they would have nothing more than friendship, and he also said she made it clear she wanted nothing more. I'd like to think she shut him down, and it kind of seemed that way by the way he said it, but I don't know. I am glad that he can't seek that avenue of avoiding and distracting himself further, but I know it doesn't solve how he feels about her. My hope is that he will realize who is here for him. I do believe he is only confused there, and I doubt he would have left had she and the whole reunion not entered the picture, but it has, and he did.
I would love to find a way to stir up some jealousy in him. I thnk that would help jolt him, so he realizes what he's losing. I don't feel like just going on with life will do that in the same way as seeing himself really lose me would do. As it is, he can just do as he pleases, and I'm still here for him. He has me in his pocket, and he knows it.
I'd like to start going out, but again, I don't have friends. I thought about seeing if BIL would let me tag along sometime, but he can't go out on weekends, and I can't go out on weekdays really, and that would probably be awkward anyway. John's cousin, who I used to do things with, doesn't go out anymore now that she has little kids. His mom is older and doesn't have fun quite like I'm looking to do. Maybe i'll see if she wants to organize another night out for the girls. Or maybe FIL would want to hang out some too. I know Tina said she would go out, so I'll have to take her up on that. I just can't sit around and waste away.
I am going to go ahead and move forward with school, even though I don't know where things are headed. I can't keep putting my life on hold. I've done it so long. It's so unfortunate I didn't move ahead with things when I had stability. Even without that though, I have to move ahead somehow. I'll figure out how to adapt as things change.
I'm so ready for counseling again. I really need that guidance. All I know to do for sure is let him go, but I'm not sure about where to put boundaries that are healthy. I want to do what's best to get him back, but I'm aware that might not be what's best for me and the kids. I don't feel like I'm ready to do anything that moves me away from him though or do things that would be good for me but bad for us.
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One Year Ago Today:
