I just want him back. I want to do whatever I can to get him back. I've checked for a reply email three times already. I want to call. I want to go home and beg. I am so scared and so so sad. I don't know how he can throw it all away. I don't know how he could throw me away. I thought I was worth something to him. He just wants to start his whole life over, spend the time alone he didn't get because of me, because he chose to give it up. He thought I was good enough then. Now he's taken my best years and is leaving me stuck with out kids and no future. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to change what I thought my life would be. I don't know how to keep going.
I come back here thinking I would find comfort in my old home, but it was a huge letdown. I came back to a place that is so changed, just like everything else. And the support and love I need is even less here than it was at home. Grandma doesn't know and would likely give me a hard time if she did. My sister can't relate. Kay is at a quilt retreat. Mom is in Colorado. I'm more away from John but that does nothing to ease this horrible ache.
I think I am barely hanging on. I feel like no one wants to hear it anymore, like I should just get over being dumped and carry on. But I had my whole life invested in this, even if it was wrong. I just trusted him so much. I believed what he told me. Now he's moving out. He's renting a van tomorrow and getting ready for his new life without me.
Even if he does stay, how do I trust him? If he comes back, how do I believe he's committed? Once the joy of having him back is over, I will be left wondering if he will leave again. Maybe it is best if he goes for good, because he's broken so many promises that affected my whole life and our kids' lives. He doesn't deserve my trust, and maybe he doesn't deserve me or this beautiful family.
So maybe I'm still working through those phases of grief. Depression is holding so strong, and this is the first I really felt angry or felt like respecting myself enough to say what a horrible person he is being. It's the first I really embraced that sense of betrayal rather than using it as a tool to try to control him. It's the first I've though, "He's an asshole." I loved the man who married me, the man who stuck with me when I was depressed and difficult, the man who told me he would never leave, the man who wrote me those beautiful cards. Just like John said himself, he's not that man anymore. So I am suffering as if he died, because he did. I've wanted to believe he's still there and just drowning in confusion. But he made a choice, and in that choice, my husband died. I now know what MIL meant when she told FIL he was dead to her.
I don't think John fully understands what he's saying when he says we have to build something new, but now I do. At least at this moment, I do. I'm sure I'll be in tears wanting to beg him to come back a few more times. But for now, I will take this moment of clarity. He will have to build something new, because he broke my trust. I'm going to have to figure out if I want to build with him. I don't even know if he will want to try anyway, but if he does, I'm not sure I will be there with him.
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One Year Ago Today:
