Not that long ago, I found myself really focusing on what mattered to me, those things being myself, my home, my kids, and my husband. All but one of those are still there.

Kay made a good point the other night. She noticed the coincidence between me getting myself right and him deciding to leave. She thought it may be because he feels threatened and less sure about himself because of the changes I made. There is another possibility though. He may have felt I was better able to handle his departure. It's all speculation anyway.

Everyone has encouraged me to continue down the path I started to a better me. I really didn't think I could do that. There were occasional sparks when I did want to go on, and maybe those were all that kept me from falling apart altogether. I have been so close. The work I already did probably has helped, and of course, the kids play a major role. Had htey not been here, I don't think my progress on myself would have pulled me through. I finally feel like starting back to a better me. It never was about him. It's just he made me question my worth by rejecting me. If my husband, who vowed to stay with me forever, doesn't want me anymore, how could I be any good? That's how it felt and will still feel sometimes. At least I'm starting to feel valuable again.

I've lost a lot of weight. That could be seen as a good thing, but it's been a lot of weight--nearly thirty pounds in two months. I'm solidly in the 170s now. I haven't exercised in two weeks either. I just haven't had the energy (hard to have any when you don't eat) or I was afraid to burn calories when I was taking in so few. I did feel better today though. I'm sleeping better. I may have gotten up to 1000 calories eaten today. I brought my skates, and I think it's time I use them and get back to taking care of myself. I can take the unhealthy weight loss and previous good weight loss and keep losing while toning up, getting strong, and reaching my goals. I am going to be really hot, and he will so regret letting me go. I still have a lot of good years left in me, and I'm more confident about myself in some ways than I've ever been in my life.

Trust is going to be a big issue for me though. I do not see myself getting into a serious relationship ever again right now. The realist in me says it wouldn't be for a very long time, not never. But it feels like never. If Mr. Reliable can change like this, I don't see myself letting my guard down again.

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One Year Ago Today: