I'm having a hard time again this morning. I planned to go skate, but I know how much thinking I do when I skate, and I'm nervous. I'm going to Kay's for dinner, but before that, I don't know what I'm doing today. I don't know if Grandma wants to go to her place again. I kind of hope not, though that would serve as a distraction for the day. Somewhat. It doesn't really matter what I do; I think about my marriage and John and the kids.

I didn't talk to Booie Thursday night. No one called me last night. I know John is moving stuff today, so I probably won't get a call. I don't want to seem desperate even though everyone knows I am. I also don't want the kids thinking I don't care. One day is no big deal, but two? I'll think about that some more.

I would be restless today no matter what. I wouldn't know what to do and be a little bored even if all of this wasn't going on. But I need distraction now more than ever, so I am much more anxious about it. My stomach is beyond butterflies but not quite nauseous. I should just go skate.

John still hasn't replied to my last email yesterday morning. There are lots of reasons why he wouldn't, but the one that sticks out is that he doesn't care. I have to stop worrying about that. I am so anxious to see what he says. I still hold out hope, even with the trust issues and everything else. Why can't I just hold onto my power? I'm letting him control me.

I was thinking yesterday about him coming back--if I should let him, if I should extend the invitation every so often, if I should tell him it's my choice now, if he will want to come back, if his pride would get in the way. Being in control of my life means being able to draw healthy boundaries, but I'm still stuck on not wanting to do anything to push him away.

Then there is sex. I have no idea what to do about that. I think about it a lot. I dreamt about it this morning. I know I can't separate my feelings in order to just have sex with John, and I would think that's not good. But I really want to, and he is the only one to do it with. I've even been thinking about how to jump him when I get back, but he may not even pick me up or see me that day. I hate to bring it up in counseling. I go Wednesday. I'm sure she will say it's not a good idea, and that is not what I want to hear at all. I really need to quit talking about this.

12:36 p.m. - Minute by Minute

Time is moving so slowly. I skated a little over an hour, and that was really good. I actually thought about lots of other things. I saw an eagle too. I felt good during that time. I actually felt good. But now I'm back to waiting for the seconds to creep by.

I feel bad, because I'm anti-social so much since I've been here. That's another bad thing about Grandma not knowing. I don't know that it would make much sense to her anyway though. But I do feel bad, so I can add the guilt of that to all the mess.

I lack purpose, here and at home. I have to find a way to occupy myself with something other than my own thoughts.

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One Year Ago Today: