It's no wonder I like the ocean and beach so much. It is my life. Up and down. I'm sure it's that way with everyone. That's not exactly the way I mean though. Mine is a matter of being more capable or not. Productive or not. Moving or stagnant. Lively or asleep. I either have energy, or I have none at all. And even though it's always been that way to some degree, it's getting more extreme, and the lulls are longer.
I'm trying to think if it was much better with the antidepressants, and I don't think it was. I just wasn't so negative about it. I still slept on my days off, and the house wasn't any cleaner, and I wasn't any thinner.
The weight. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it. Truly. I do have a tendency to exaggerate, but I'm not with this. I think about it every day. For all the good that does. I'm just so tired of myself. Frustrated. Ashamed. Angry.
I'm not just angry at myself either. I'm angry at all the people that do lose weight, at fast food restaurants, at junk food manufactureres, at convenience, at money, at time, at all the diet and lifestyle change books and professionals, at genetics, at God, at clothes, and whatever else that will come to mind later. Oh, and let's not forget John, the number one cause of anger and frustration. My nemesis, my problem, and even my scapegoat.
I.
Don't.
Feel.
Loved.
I don't feel like he really cares about me as a whole, complete person. And I don't think he ever will. So I feel trapped. And lonely. And more angry. I let what everyone else thinks rule me still. As much as I want to think I'm past it, I'm not. Even my own definition of failure holds me back. As well as fear. I don't know what to do. I'm dependent with two children at ages that need a stable family. I have nowhere to go, no way to support myself. I have no support system, no friends, and a family involved in its own crisis as well as completely different from who I am. Even if I could go to tehm, I would suffer judgement and have to continue to compromise... just in other ways that are equally, if not more, unacceptable. Yes, I would have to say more.
It's not just about me either. There are two kids' lives at stake too. I have bigger responsibilities than just myself. I screwed up so much, and I can't seem to quit screwing up. Time and time again. I go on for those kids. I keep trying for them. God, I don't want to screw them up too. I don't want them to be unhappy like me.
At this point, I think drugs are just a way to survive. The antidepressants, I mean. They don't fix the cause. But maybe the answer is to get by. My heart says no, but life isn't just about how you feel. But some things are, like relationships. And that's where I find myself unhappiest. And upon that, I let all else depend.
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One Year Ago Today:
