I don't even see breakthroughs anymore. I believe "resolutions" to be patches to hold things together until he decides he doesn't want to put forth the effort the next time.
Why can't I lose weight out of spite?
I guess we're done talking now. He's falling asleep. "Doesn't know what else to say," "Pretty messed up inside," and probably just wants to hole up inside himself, because it works so well.
Somebody has to take the reins.
11:05 a.m. - Start Small
I'll write one page in the morning. Start there. See where it goes. More like, see if I can stick with it. I'm going to make it a priority.
I didn't weigh myself last week. Frustration got the better of me, because things weren't going as I liked. I haven't worked out this week. I'm sure the results aren't going to be good, but I can't ignore it. Whenever I do, things get totally out of control. I'm not doing that again. I'll suffer the consequences of taking a week off and continue on.
I'm really considering Weight Watchers again. I probably would just go do it if it weren't for the money. That's a lot to spend, and we're super-tight now.
Money is a serious problem. It's getting worse and worse, and I see us going right back to where we were. John doesn't seem to have a problem going further and further into debt, saying we'll do better later. We don't. It's no different than it ever was, and he cons himself into thinking it is. He's not conning me. And I'm not letting him touch my credit cards. I need to get more involved in paying bills. I have no hand in our finances, and even though he won't admit it, he's spending too much. Video games, Lord of the Ring toys, movies, baseball tickets. Things we need to do without for a while. I don't even want to go to Opening Day this year.
There's lots I need to do, and I feel good today, so I'm going to start at it.
4:36 p.m. - The Weekend Road Block
I have the worst time working out on weekends. Embarassment and wanting John to be involved, feeling like the weekend is supposed to be free time, and the usual laziness all contribute. I really have to get back to working out though.
I actually lost weight the past couple wees! Three pounds. Now I'm almost scared to start working out again, because sleeping all week seemed to work so well. Heh. I know better though. I jus thave to make sure to do better.
I got a new exercise ball, because Bella accidentally clawed the old one when getting on John's lap. The old one was a little to big, so I got the medium this time. It has a "rest" day before I pump it up all the way and use it, so no ball workout for me.
I also got the Tae-Bo Contact set with a punching bag (a blow-up one) and two workouts, so I could do that. iShape says I should do 45 minutes of Tae-Bo today anyway, so I could try that. I just don't know how easy it's going to be to get that bag downstairs now that the base is full of water. That's where I want it though, so hopefully it won't be too much of a hassle. THere was no good way to fill it down there, or I would have done that. Hope I won't need tons of space, because I really don't want to clean all of that today. Or rather, won't.
I feel like I could take a nap. It's a bit late in the day for that though. I'll just have to rough it out. Don't know how I'll make it through the Super Bowl. Even games I'm interested in put me to sleep. Maybe I'll work on my daily checklist then.
I'm going to do a modified FlyLady list for myself. That works well for me every time I use it and stick to it, so I'm going to go at it again.
9:38 p.m. - Mysterious Symptoms
I don't know if TMJ will do all the things going on with my ear. Maybe. I tend to think not, but maybe. I suppose I'll never know without seeing a doctor though. Something I definitely need to do. I have to find a new doctor too, which is another excuse to put off seeing one. But I am really tired of not knowing. My ear feels clogged, or like there's water in it, or like it needs to pop pretty much all the time. Today while I worked out, there was some noise, like when water inside your ear moves around. And while I was just in the bath, it happened again when I blinked hard. I know that sounds strange, but it's the truth, and I need a doctor who will listen and not just dismiss it.
My chest hurts too. Not my heart, the center of my chest at the rib cage. Or how about the sternum? Duh. Anyway, it hurts, and it cracks a lot.
Then there's the fatigue. But it's not all that chronic in the every day way. I feel tired for a week or two, then I'm good for a week or so. When I was working, I did nap on all my days off, so maybe it is chronic. I don't know.
That's just it... I don't know. About any of it. I have to find a doctor I like who will care about me. And I need to stand up for myself because I'm just as important as anyone.
I got my list together. IT's not complete, just something to follow for the next week. I'm going to get a control journal together. I need something that puts it all together, so I can stay organized. I'll keep my menus, workouts, routines, and ToDo lists all in one spot. Once I get that together, I'll start working on what I want my routines to be and what kind of schedule will work best for me. I also have to be sure not to overload myself and build in relaxation and fun too.
I'm reading an article in a magazine about resolutions and managing your life. I think I finally made a connection on why things aren't working for me. I'm only halfway done, but I've already learned some really important info. I have to focus on inner resolutions, the standards I want for myself. Those are what create the outer results.
I knew right away I need to work on discipline and reliability. Kind of one in the same. Of course, there is self-respect and integrity too. So in order to work on discipline, I have my routines. I'll have to think about the others some more. I'm going to read some more and shape myself up.
This goes with the Oprah I watched where they asked what you would do if you were only going to live until 3:00 tomorrow. They said the sad thing was, a lot of people didn't know what they would want to accomplish. When asked, "What is the one thing you would want to do in your life?" people didn't know. And the funny thing, or more appropriately, sad thing was, I thought, "I can't answer that," before the guest and Oprah said some people didn't have an answer. Oprah wants everyone to be able to answer that question. I want to answer that question.
I think I need to do the exercise where I see myself as I wish I was and figure out what I need to do to make it happen. Identify the habits I have now that aren't in alignment with that vision. Replace them with ones that are. Be who I envision is my perfect self. Then I think I would know one thing I want to accomplish in my life. It's just too cluttered and scattered for me to figure that out right now.
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One Year Ago Today:
