Back to Work

My mom is gone, and now I have to do all this work by myself again. I've been putting it off for as long as possible, and now it's been a week since any laundry has been done. I can't put it off any longer. I got the main living area straightened up quite a bit yesterday, but that's the only thing I've done. I need to vacuum and do dishes and get all the other things done that have been my job for the past six years. I don't have an excuse anymore. I have to return to work.

I thought it was going to be a pretty bad day and that I wouldn't want to do anything. I didn't get a good night's sleep last night. Booie woke up several times with various complaints (itchy, can't sleep, mad at Daddy for beating me at Frogger), which is actually a sign she's getting better, since none of them were pain. That's a good thing, but waking up every hour or so is not. We both slept late this morning, but that never seems to make up for an interrupted night's sleep for me. That makes my good mood and surprising amount of motivation to get to work a surprise.

I'm glad the sun decided to come out some today too. The sun always helps me feel a little lighter. Wish it would stay out all day.

I really let my mood affect what I do far too much. If I'm feeling crappy, depressed, angry, overwhelmed or even too happy, I don't want to do anything. Rather than do something I need or essentially want to do, I will mill around, putz on the computer or search fruitlessly for something to watch on TV. Sometimes I even wander around the house, seeing all the things I could and should be doing but not doing them. Most of all, I eat. Non-stop. I eat while I do all those other things I shouldn't be doing, compounding an already pathetic situation.

One of my best excuses is rainy, gloomy days. I have seasonal depression. Like clockwork every year, my good moods shorten like the light of day, until I'm a nutcase at the most opportune time--Christmas. Like that time of year isn't crazy enough already, I have to be one big ball of sad. It's enough to overcome in and of itself, so instead of overcoming, I sink in. I snuggle right down into that depression like I'm preparing to hibernate. It's so much easier to be a victim, and I do it whenever it's even cloudy for too long too. Not that the lack of light doesn't affect me. It does. But I will admit I wallow in it rather than trying to make the best of it.

It seems to be that way with all my emotions, whether they are caused by a legitimate condition or not. Since I am emotional to the point of being labeled overly so, it is rare that I am on such an even keel as to be the worker bee I often need to be. So... I don't get a whole lot of work done. Then I end up complaining about the sad state of my house and my life, making me feel hopeless and further snowballing the entire situation. Eventually, I get something done either out of disgust or because someone is coming over.

I am slowly learning, with the help of the recent situation with Booie, that sometimes you just do things. You do things because they need done. It doesn't matter how you feel about them or how you feel about anything. The housework is there no matter how I feel. We wear clothes and eat and use things every day. Living requires maintenance, and that maintenance doesn't have feelings, so it doesn't care that I'm a little blue and would rather sulk. It still needs done. And sometimes, in the act of doing those things, I find I don't feel so bad.

I've heard that over the past few years psychology has been all wrong in focusing on feelings and digging into the past. For people to get out of a funk, they need to take their mind off the funk, not excavate it. There seems to be truth in the idea of doing something to take your mind off things. It might not be true of everything, but I think in this case it is. I need to set all the feelings aside and get to business. In doing so, the feelings seem to brighten up a little.

Today, I'm doing my job, and I'm not feeling sorry for myself that I have to do it even when I would rather stay in my pajamas and loaf all day. As the clouds and rain have taken over the day, I still manage to feel pretty good, even though I have several things stewing on the back burner of my brain.