Afternoon Already?

I was really tired this morning. Booie only woke up once last night, so that could only explain a small part of the reason I was in bed (only sleeping part of that time) until almost 11:00. I think I'm low on sleep reserves, so any interruption in my seven to eight hours puts me right over on the negative side.

I was getting spoiled there with all the sleep I was getting. I hadn't had my usual insomnia in a couple months, so I was getting great sleep. Since Boo's been sick though, I'm back to not getting enough. It's also knocked me right back into an insomniatic state. I cannot get to sleep at night anymore. I was up last night writing because I just couldn't go to sleep, even though I felt like I was being smothered with it.

The good thing about my brand of insomnia is once I get to sleep, I can keep sleeping and sleeping and sleeping. The bad thing about that is I'm a parent. I'm responsible for other little individuals, so I can't just enter the sleep marathon my body craves.

But this sweet morning, Hammy didn't feel like going to school, and Booie slept as late as I did. That's why I didn't have to pull myself out of bed permanently until after 10:30. That's why I'm sitting here typing in my pajamas and had breakfast for lunch. For once, everything worked out to help me not be a sleep-deprived bitch today.

And that's such a good thing, because Ham is particularly fragile today. He's been sensitive and troubled since before Christmas, and I have yet to pinpoint the cause. We talk, and it gets better for a while, but then he goes back to being sullen and delicate. His teacher even noticed back in December and called me about it, asking if something had happened. To my knowledge, nothing has happened, and that's what worries me. I don't know.

This is more than hormones kicking in. That might be exacerbating his problem, but it's not the problem. I hope it's not one big problem that's causing this, because then it would have to be one horrible problem. My mother's mind searches for clues that someone might have touched my baby, but it comes up with nothing. He doesn't exhibit signs of any type of abuse. He just seems like a little (to me) boy that has too much on his mind.

The recent trouble with his sister hasn't helped any, I'm sure. He is a worrier like me; an unfortunate inherited trait. And as much as we try to pay special attention to him, I know the scale is still tipped in her direction. That's just the way it works with you have one child who needs so much help. I don't think his ten year old heart understands that though, even if his brain does.

That's why I haven't given him any flack for taking a sanity day from school. When your son writes "Hammy is sad" in bathtub crayon on the shower wall, he needs a break. So I'm doing my best to spoil him a little, and talk with him about his worries and concerns as well as his life in general. I bought him a journal over a month ago, and I am going to encourage him to write his feelings in there. He wrote in it for a while at first but hasn't touched it since. I hope he will cherish his journal as a place of release as much as I do mine. I'm planning to do something special with just him this weekend, and I'm encouraging J to be a more active parent. Ham really needs his dad right now. I think some things aren't so easy for him to share with me.