What's the difference between Wednesday night and any other night when the reason his bandmate can't get to practice until 10:00 is because his kids won't go to bed without him? Wouldn't that be the same the other six nights of the week too? But I couldn't ask John that because he already left, defending himself as he did. "That was the agreement when he joined the band." It was my understanding that Brian was practically pleading to be in the band in the first place, but now it's a matter of accomodating him. Very convenient.

I asked John to be earlier getting home tonight. His excuses are his way of saying no, even though what came out of his mouth was, "I'll try." Translated, that means no too. My head has been killing me all day. Rest, Advil, caffeine, aspirin, and Tylenol don't help. I can't help that my head hurts on practice night. I just want to have a chance of getting sleep tonight, which won't happen if he's out late. I also can't help that it's near impossible for me to fall asleep when he's not here. It breaks the routine and any insomniac will tell you that is a sure way to no sleep. I'm working at work tomorrow, and sleep would be a great thing. I don't know for sure that I will even be able to sleep with my head hurting, but I know I won't be able to if he's not here.

The band is playing Friday, and I know he's concerned they aren't going to do well because they haven't practiced much. Before last week, I think it was near a month since they played together last. I understand, and I do feel bad about it. If I could change the night I got a headache or the day I work, I would. I've been trying to get rid of the damn head all day long. I don't want it! And if I didn't have it, I wouldn't even mind that I work tomorrow, since they haven't been practicing. One of their nights off was because of my birthday. I can't appreciate these things. I can't appreciate flimsy, knee-jerk defenses and a complete lack of sympathy.

I sent him a text message to help vent some of this anger. It did make me feel a little better, but of course I end up feeling bad because he didn't respond. I don't even know that his phone is on or that he could hear/see it if it was. It's stupid to even pay for a cell phone for him because he really doesn't use it. And that makes me angry for a whole other reason. So there's really no help in anything. I just have to hope we can find some resolution.

I told him I end up hating his hobby, so I won't hate him. But the truth is, I do hate him for how he treats me. He thinks he can make up for neglecting me and putting some things before me by doing "make-up work". Even if that worked, he's never done enough anyway. And I'm not even expecting him to make up for the past. He continues to build debt in the present. Sort of like the real money situation.

If my head didn't ache, I'd start cleaning. I often have the urge to clean when I'm angry. Sure wish I'd get that urge when I'm down in a funk. But then I suppose it wouldn't so much be a funk then. Even if I felt like it when I'm just blah or restless, my house would be much cleaner. It's a constant source of embarassment. I'm sad that I seem to be the only one that feels that.

Now I'm just getting myself down again. I think I'll do something else, so I don't drown in self-pity.

10:52 p.m. - Incredibly Lonely

I'm in one of those moods where I really want to do something, but both kids are in bed, and that limits me. There are still plenty of things I could do, but those are out of range of this particular mood. I wish I had a book. I haven't had one for at least a week, and it's like being in withdrawal. I can't stand to read one more magazine article.

On the menu of things to do is shower, figure out what to wear to work tomorrow, read John's homework book he hasn't bothered reading, clean the closet some more, try to sleep even though the possibility is remote, write more worthless schlock, read a few more magazine articles, work, or try to figure out something better than any of these. Since I'm highly doubtful I can do the last one, I may as well pick from the list. I'll choose shower, since I really need it, it's first on the list, I won't have to do it in the morning, and showers make me feel a bit better. Too bad I already washed my face and all. That was a waste. Sure glad I wrote all this out. What a ninny.

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One Year Ago Today: