I was doing well today until he dropped me off and left. Then I was in this house that is supposed to be for our family but isn't. And his things are gone. That hurt so much. Finding out his mom is cleaning his apartment for him hurt too. It seems like everyone, even the kids, are making it easy for him, but nothing is easy for me. I'm back to despair and heartbreak.
He sends such mixed messages too. He sounded more positive in his last message, but he told me I could sit in back with Booie on the ride home from the airport. He kisses me when he leaves (or hugged me today because he's sick), but he avoids me like a disease otherwise. I'm so confused.
I'm not supposed to focus on him. I'm supposed to focus on me, but I feel so damaged. I hurt so badly. I really think dying would be easier than having to go through this. I love him, and he doesn't want me. I want to be with him. That is about me. I feel beaten, defeated, and worthless. I don't want to live without him. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be a single parent. I don't want to lose my dreams. Me... me... me. It's not all about him. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this.
11:47 p.m. - A Country Without Borders
It seems clear to me John is not going to define our current relationship further. Something must be working for him. But it's not working for me. I was in the bedroom this evening while he worked on the computer, and when he was done, he came in with me and lay down. He wasn't feeling well, I know. He wanted to wait for Booie to get out of the shower and tell her goodbye, but why come lay by me? It doesn't make sense to me when he wants distance. I can't touch him or treat him like my husband, but he's lying there beside me like it's just any old day. I can't do that. I have to find a wayto create boundaries that don't expose me to so much pain or allow him to take advantage.
I am having such a hard time judging what is best for me. My heart wants him here at every opportunity, even if it does turn out to be painful. I want him close. I know it's not good for me though. I'm compromising myself by allowing him to do whatever he wants. I take being treated callously as if he is doing me a favor. As he said himself though, he's not thinking about me right now. That leaves me to take care of myself, which I'm not doing when I don't draw some lines. I just have to figure out where to put them. I'm not doing so well with that.
Sometimes I think I have it all figured out. I've written during those times too, when everything makes sense, and I'm full of acceptance. Then I get near him or talk to him or think about the future, and I panic. He is as much a trigger for me as he says I am to him. But unlike him, I am unable to disconnect when I am with him. I'm starting to think I need to distance from him until I find a way to be less reactive. It all makes sense right now, but I'll end up questioning it all again. I never seem to hang onto resolve for very long.
It's so quiet. The cats seem so loud as they prowl around the house. My ears are ringing. The house seems to creak more. It's so barren and lonely.
---------------------------------------------
One Year Ago Today:
