Some days, no matter what you do, you just can't feel good about yourself. I woke up feeling ugly. I felt uglier when I put my workout pants on. Felt ugly when I skated. I just had a shower. My skirt I bought two weeks ago is already to big on me. My shirt is a little too loose. Put them together for a baggy mess. Add clogs for the frump factor. My skin is flaky. My face is blotchy. Only my hair looks good. I should just wear it over my face.
We're probably going out tonight. My mom is coming and should be here in a couple hours. So I get to share my ugly with the world. Only five or six were exposed on the skating trail. And there was the Dairy Queen guy because Grandma wanted a strawberry shake. Poor DQ guy. And so early too. Maybe I'll feel better when I get makeup on. At least that should tone the ugly down a bit, and I won't want to wear my hair like Cousin Itt when we go out.
I'm glad my mom is coming. Wish she could have been here long. Wish Kay would have been here the whole time. Wish John didn't leave. Wish, wish, wish. At least I'll get to see my mom.
I have such dread about tomorrow. I'm trying not to, but I just don't know what to do. I'll just be nice and try not to be ugly. Then I'll go about my life. It's all I can do.
I'm going to get my application for school ready, request transcripts, and look at job listings at Pitt. I'd like to really start working on the house too. Seeing all of Grandma's stuff piled up the way it is motivates me. I'll list some things in the Pennysaver too. I can make a little money that way. I have to remember to ask about support groups. I'll look into writing groups and book clubs too. I should check the PORC site for their next beginner ride and maybe do the inline skate group. If I get involved in things that interest me, I should be able to find people that could be friends. I have to get myself out of the house as much as possible. I'm too prone to sit and obsess over my situation when I'm home alone. Even if I just go out, have coffee, and read, it's better for me. Doing more is good for me anyway and something I should have done a long time ago.
John wouldn't have felt so pressured if I did more and wasn't hanging around all the time. I think he hasn't been getting time alone like he needs. He rarely got the house to himself, and I remember how much I appreciated that before Booie was in school. I just have to hope he can see that he would get that more now. I really believe that was a big factor in why he pulled out. It's still not right as far as I can see it, but that's how it is.
I think I'll start packing up, so I'm not doing it all tonight. And I need to try to mask the ugly.
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One Year Ago Today:
