I decided that today I was going out, and I did. I was gone most of the day, out with Kay. I did some much-needed talking, but mostly, I just had a nice day. We ate and shopped and talked. I sighed so many times, I thought Kay might gag me, but she didn't. Even though I would rate this a good day, I still worried and hurt so much. It's still overwhelming sometimes.
John called while I was out to tell me the computer died. He thought it was the hard drive and wanted me to buy one on my credit card, but that didn't work out. It turned out it wasn't the hard drive anyway, so it's good that the card didn't work. But that was it, just a computer call. I always hope for a little something. When I called the kids, he talked to me after Booie, but he only said he was running out the door to get Hammy. Later, when I talked to Hammy, he had Ham tell me he was picking me up at the airport, so I guess I won't talk to him again until then. As much as I'd like to think he'll be happy to see me, he will be the same as he's been for the week before I left--like an acquaintance rather than the friend he claims to be.
I want to say that's fine. I want to be able to brush him off and just act happy and carefree, like I was away on a grand vacation. I will try, but I don't always do well. I am overtaken by awkwardness instead. I've been doing well at not contacting him, but I did ask if he got my email. I shouldn't have, so he wouldn't know I cared. He's behaving as if he doesn't want anything to do with me, and I should reciprocate. But as for being how I hope to be when he picks me up... I have to practice that.
I'm very worried about going home now. I didn't think about how things will be gone. It's going to be extremely difficult. It's probably a darn good thing I have counseling Wednesday.
I definitely have to talk about boundaries when I'm there. John seems to want to keep things fuzzy and won't commit to any rules or even guidelines. "Act like friends," is all I've gotten, but he isn't even doing that. My friends care about me, want to know how and what I'm doing, and aren't silent and distant. And that's not the way he treats his friends either, so he doesn't want to be friends with me. But it's not always so bad, like watching hockey or racing. He's fine then. That's about it though. Even dinner as a family is uncomfortable. So I need to know where to set my own boundaries, since he's not willing to make any. I'm not sure how to go about doing that without seeming bitter. I'm not even sure what's best to do. So far, I am just going by the "let him make contact" rule. I won't call or ask to talk to him. I won't email unless he emails me. I won't ask anything of him but to be provided for. He can manage his contact with the kids. I'll let him go to figure things out and let him come back if he will. I'm just not sure what to say to him, how much to do with him, and that's what I need help figuring out.
I feel better when I'm angry at him. When I think about how he neglects me, how selfish he is, how the kids and I are paying the price for his premature mid-life crisis, how he's going back on so many promises, how I'm not appreciated, because I'm damn good and only going to get better, and how he is living in DenialLand, thinking the kids are just fine. He is being a huge, selfish asshole. Even his dad waited until his kids were grown. His dad didn't abandon his kids when they really needed him. And I thought his dad was a fuck-up. I had no clue what a fuck-up really was. When I really hold that anger close, I just want to take him for everything I can--to screw him the way he's screwing me. And I think I am better off if I take the reins and boot him--don't leave it up to him. Because if he wants to go off and leave his whole life behind for a vacation, then he can have a permanent one, courtesy of me.
I always come back to how I love him though and how I too contributed to this. I think of how I can negotiate a better marriage for both of us, at least in terms of what I can do. I also think of him as being sick, and I can't stay angry for long. Plus there's the sex drive problem. It's not like I have many options there.
Kay and I talked more about me going back to school. I do get more hopeful when I think about that. I was excited about pursuing a career not long before this train wreck, and I can feel some of that seeping back in. It's something I wanted to do for me, and I don't need anyone to do it. I can move ahead and hurdle obstacles as they happen, because I don't know what could happen. And as Kay pointed out, I never really did. Anything can happen. Of course, the logic in me immediately starts in on odds, statistics, and such, but even so, no one can predict the future with absolute certainty. I have to start taking chances.
I'm trying not to take a sleeping pill tonight, but I'm still not tired. Nothing like lying in bed to wake me up. (sigh) Maybe I'll try some reading. If I take a pill tonight, that will be every day but one since I've been here. I so don't want to deal with addiction along with everything else.
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One Year Ago Today:
