Waiting

I'll probably spend my whole life waiting for him if I stay. We have a rare morning alone, and he pouts and dozes. He has no perseverance. Such a delicate ego.

I'm very angry and disappointed. I shouldn't be here writing now. I'm finding it hard to do so. I just keep hoping he'll do something without me having to start it or talk to him. Without having to warn him I'm ready to get up or tired of lying here. Without having to hear why he didn't do anything. I want him to overcome his own feelings for once. He rejects me in so many little ways.

I tried lying close all morning. I stretched. I sighed. I rolled around restlessly. I looked at him. He's made it clear he's not doing anything. He keeps asking what's wrong. He said we better go get the kids. This had the potential to be a beautiful start to the day. Now my day feels tainted.

I've told him several times I don't lie in bed for no reason after I'm awake. I don't enjoy it. I would rather be up. He knows. He pretends he doesn't, but he does. He puts it on me to talk when he already knows.

I need more from him. He either withholds it or doesn't have it to give. Today, he's withholding. Out of spite. I get so little from him anyway, and then he withholds even more. Why did I think I could ever make this work?

I knew all of this. I knew. I chose to ignore it and hope what he said he wanted to be was more real than what he was. I knew when he promised to call me when he got home, but I would find him online. I knew when he wouldn't come right over because he "needed time." I knew when I threatened to leave, and he just let me go. I knew when I moved in and was ignored for a computer--the first of his dreams that didn't involve me. I knew throughout the years as the loneliness and pain ate away my hope and my heart. I knew. I still know. I'm just not sure what I want to do about it.

3:54 p.m. - More Waiting

Now I wait for him to talk to me again. We started talking. I cried a lot. Kay called, and he went to get the kids from his Aunt's where they stayed last night. Since he got back, he didn't say anything. We ate, watched Spirit, and then I took a bath. The best thing he could have done is come in and talk to me. Or he could have talked instead of watching a movie. Or he could have come in when he came home to see how I was. He could be here now.

He's probably angry and hurt. That's his usual excuse for avoiding me, leaving me alone when it's the worst thing he could do. I've come to expect it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It will always hurt to feel this lonely when I'm supposed to be in a loving relationship.

I want him to hold me, really hold me, not just put an arm over me and tell me how he can't work around my position. I want him to want to hold me so nothing can get in the way of it. I want him to stroke my hair and run a hand along my cheek, to tell me how much he loves me and how pretty I am even when I cry. I want to hear how nothing means more to him than I do, how he'll do anything to keep me. Not every time, just when things get so bad that I cry myself into a headache.

But he doesn't. And he won't. I have to decide if I can live with that.

11:50 p.m. - & Frustration

Remembering things once in a while would be a good thing, like remembering what I did with my employee physical form. Not putting things off would be nice too. I wouldn't have to remember where I put it if I'd sent it right away. I'm very angry with myself right now.

The good part of the day was John holding me finally, really holding me. I don't want to think too much of it, but it was nice. I can't let myself slide in making some tough decisions and having some frank conversations. I would like to believe this is a change for the better, but I've let myself believe that so many times only to end up in the same place. I really want to have hope, but then I don't. Do I repeat the pattern, or do I prepare for the worst? I just don't know. I don't know a lot of things right now.

I thought about taking our relationship from a teaching angle. What if I treat him as a student? He always says he doesn't know what do to. I could teach him, step by step. But then I fear he would only become dependent on my instruction, and I still wouldn't get what I want--someone who can love me actively in a give and take relationsihp. Being a teacher would only put a different title on the same role. He could continue as he always has, being a rotten student in the process. It's a nice idea though.

He's paying attention to me now, so I'm going to get what I can. It's good to have a little something, even if I'm not quite sure where we stand.

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