Wondering

We don't know the results of our MMPI tests until this week and the week after. The doctor likes to have individual sessions to talk about that. I suspect the individual sessions serve another purpose as well--to see what each of us thinks about therapy so far without the pressure of the other being there. I just wish I could be there for John's test results. He's the enigma after all. She did say both of our results were very interesting but in opposite ways. In fact, she said everything indicated we shouldn't even be together or get along at all. Makes me wonder how accurate those things really are, but then I've always kind of wondered that.

John isn't just unusual in that she had a hard time reading him but that he behaves the exact opposite in therapy as he does at home. She said usually the session is a microcosm of all that's in the relationship. Everything is magnified. John is usually very quiet in real life, but he won't shut up in that office. It drives me insane! I'm often unable to speak, because he's too busy overexplaining himself. I asked him if he's using the rule of threes in trying to get a point across, because he repeats almost everything he says in three different ways.

Oh, and the arm movements! The man gestures like a damn bird in there! When he argues with me at home, he does the same thing, but it doesn't make it any easier to handle. I want to put him in shackles, but then I'd probably go crazy listening to the clanking while he still tried to gesture like a maniac.

I don't say anything about that stuff, including how loud he gets sometimes. He always increases the volume when he doesn't think he's being heard. It's exactly like those people who talk to someone who speaks a different language by raising their voice, as if English at a higher decibel level is more understandable. Of course, the doctor and myself do speak English, but not well enough for John I guess.

Things do seem better between us, but I still feel unsettled about some issues. I still don't think he's really trying to listen, that he thinks he knows how everything works. If it doesn't work according to the way he believes it should, then it's wrong. I always told him he's the one that makes right and wrong and issue, and he does it there too. The doctor pointed it out to him, and he used the same defense there as he does with me: I don't really mean right and wrong, but there's a better way to do things. Uh-huh. He also avoids issues in there just like at home. She's called him on a few of his politician behaviors, but he usually just tries to explain himself further. In essence, I don't feel like he's learning a thing.

As for me, I have learned some things, more about myself than about us. This got me motivated to go after the things I want to do a little more. I'm getting much better at keeping up with my job at home, and I've increased my dedication to training for this race. I also have plans to go back to school and maybe even to teach quilting again. I don't feel so down on myself. I feel like I can actually accomplish things again. I hope this lasts. I know it can last as long as I make it, but it's the making it that can be a challenge.

I'm still scared of what the future might bring. All that talk about how opposite John and I are and how we don't have any common interests right before we ended our therapy session really put a pea under my mattress. I've always been afraid to go out and be successful and independent, because I worried I might not need John anymore. I don't want to need him either though. It's not right to depend on someone like that. But maybe I feel like if I don't need him, then there will be nothing.

We used to have more common interests. We played sand volleyball and darts together. We went out and did things. He was more active before he really settled into his computer. Now it's the band, and that's about it. We watch movies and TV together. We go to kid events together. We don't even go out to dinner by ourselves but every four months or so. Hell, we used to play Scrabble and computer games together even. It's not like we have to be active, but I sure would like it sometimes, and he could use the exercise too. I think we have to work on shared interests that aren't just the band. We could easily end up married roommates if we allow ourselves to drift apart any more.