I still haven't decided if I will go see John's band. It's so far away, and I hate driving myself because of it. I'm not familiar with the area. Going with John means staying the whole time though. I was ready for bed an hour ago tonight as it was. I don't know how I'll ever make it until near 4:00 a.m., the usual time John gets home from there. I haven't seen them in a while though. I don't like the volume, and even if I had company, which I don't, I couldn't talk with them anyway. I like spending evenings with the kids. I miss being with John too. It's not like I get to spend any time with him there. But there is something very energizing to me about live music. They are a good band too. I feel staying home is outweighing even that at this point. I haven't talked to John yet, so I'll see what he has to say before I make up my mind for sure.
4:11 p.m. - Decisions Made Easy
I feel fantastically tired today. Spent most of the morning dozing in front of the TV until I had to take Hamalot's history notebook to him. I stopped by the bank and pondered what I might like for lunch but didn't really want anything. My stomach was fussing at me though. I guess a cookie and partial Hershey bar breakfast wasn't lasting, so I got some coffee and a bagel. More quality food. Plopped in front of the TV again and didn't do much else except a short stint outside to water some droopy plants. Hammy came home and asked to go to a birthday party and then to another friend's for the night. His request and my continued feeling I could fall asleep any minute convinced me I am going nowhere more than five miles from the house this evening.
John did say he would like me to go see the band, but he understood if I decided to stay home. He also told me one of the other band wives would not be there due to her fresh pregnancy and fear of another miscarriage. I would be, and was, the same way. That did mean I would be completely by myself for the night unless I chose to hang with my father-in-law and his girlfriend. Being alone is the superior choice, but even that isn't appealing. Since John spends little time with me between sets, choosing to socialize with anyone else he can find, an evening getting my ears abused doesn't seem all that fun. I really don't understand why John even cares that I'm there unless I'm good for filling a seat. He denies that of course, but I know that is at least part of his reasoning.
The way he goes and talks to everyone in the place while leaving me alone is very painful for me. I will never get used to being neglected, and such obvious rejection is too much, whether intentional or not. Whenever I bring it up, he always starts by saying, "I come see you." While true, it's always for a very short time. He tries to explain how he has to go see people to express appreciation for coming. But he spends most of his time bullshitting in one or two places. He doesn't ask me to come with him, and I am not going to run after him. The other band members visit their wives/girlfriends nearly the whole time when they're there. And if not, they hang out with their friends. They don't leave their significant others sitting alone. Maybe they just aren't dedicated enough to their hobby band.
In ways, I wish this were a matter of me being unreasonable. Then I could work through my own irrational feelings and find some resolution. If this were a once in a while thing, I could find a way to accept that too. But it happens every time, every break. People ask me where John is, because they expect him to be with me too. It really hurts, and the only way I see to resolve it is to stay home and avoid it. John denies it's a problem. I've told him it is, but unless he believes it is, it's not. He thinks I am unreasonable.
Since I am officially not going and Hammy will be gone, it looks like we'll have a girls night. Seems to be happening more often now that Hammy is older. It's nice to spend time with Booie alone, but I find myself missing Hamm a lot. I miss him differently than I miss John though. Hammy is supposed to separate. It's a natural process, and I will miss him. He's such a sweet, fun kid too, which makes it harder for me to let him go. It's for the good of us both though. He needs to build his independence, and I need to have this gradual adjustment to his eventual departure. I've also promised myself that I would not make him feel guilty for wanting to be with his friends or preventing him from doing things because of my own issues. It is one of the things I resent most from my own teenage years and caused me to push away more and make some poor decisions. I don't want him to feel that anger and guilt, and I certainly don't want to push him away.
I think Booie and I may do some shopping and see a movie. I want to do something fun instead of the same sitting around watching TV or playing video games. She feels gypped because everyone else is out having fun, and she's stuck at home with me. She and I don't do enough together either. I know it's times spent together having fun that she'll remember and love, whether or not we're spending moeny. It just so happens to be payday though, and we could both use a few things.
I need to find something to give John for our anniversary on Sunday too. Eleven years. It's something to celebrate, because we have worked really hard to make every year of that happen. We are both still dedicated to working together too. How to show John that with a gift, I don't know though. I've been thinking about it for a while now and still haven't come up with anything. Hopefully I'll see something tonight.
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One Year Ago Today:
