Had I gone to see the band tonight, I'd be fighting sleep right now, despite the noise and the smoke and being away from home. Here, I'm dead tired, have been since 11:00, but I'm still awake. I'm such a broken record. Broken.

Ended up watching Blade Runner. Seen bits and pieces of it hundreds of times, but don't think I ever watched it from beginning to end. It was a big deal from what I remember, which seems to be growing smaller daily. The remembering, not the movie. For being made in 1982, it's still not bad. Kind of funny how it's set only fourteen years from now. I doubt we'll have huge cities like that by than. Replicants don't look to be coming soon either. Or off-world colonies. Flying cars are pushing it. It's just humorous that 2019 seemed so far away then, never thinking I'll most likely be alive and part of that world.

It appears the power went out again sometime today. Probably this evening. Actually yes. Two hours ago, but I never noticed. How the heck did that happen? The TV never even flickered that I remember, yet the clocks are all flashing, and the microwave reset. It's things like that that really make me question my sanity.

I have to stop buying Chili Cheese Fritos. Then I will quit eating them. Whole bags of them. I believe they are Chili Crack Fritos. And I am guilty of exposing both my kids and several of Hammy's friends to this evil. The only good thing about everyone eating them is we won't notice how bad one another's breath is. The burps are disgusting though and linger long after you've devoured the bag and thrown away the wrapper. Even after brushing your teeth. I have a problem with any food (or "food" as the case may be) that revisits like that. I don't have the same bias against the Chili Crack Fritos as I do against cucumbers or cabbage though. Seems only food with redeeming qualities makes the problem list.

I bought wretched things when Booie and I went shopping. I also bought some very unsatisfying ice cream, but that didn't stop me from finishing the whole cone. Booie put hers down when she'd had enough. At least one of us has some sense.

While we were at the store, one of my favorite songs came on as one of their video clips. I was looking for a book, but I had to stop and watch. And listen. The listening is why I really needed to stop. Because it's one of those songs that squeezes my heart. And makes the hair on my neck rise. And sometimes, when I'm especially tender, makes me cry. The first time I heard it, I was driving home from work, over a year ago. Almost two maybe. Doesn't matter when. I cried then and nearly had to pull over. But I managed to compose myself by the time the light changed. Now it's playing as a video clip in Target, and I was rather unhappy. My beautiful song, where it's never going to be appreciated. But that is the pessimistic, selfish side of me. I'm happy for this talented artist. And even if some won't appreciate it, others who would have never known this gem existed will now get to experience it. Maybe it won't be my special song anymore, but it's still special to me.

It's on a CD I made for John. I've been collecting songs that made me think of him and planned to give him the CD for his birthday. But when his birthday came, I wasn't ready. I found too many songs to use, and the tone of some just weren't fitting together. I ended up making the CD more about how I felt about where our relationship was instead of where I wanted it to be, and since I have felt so sad and lonely, that's how the CD came out. I was glad I didn't have it ready for his birthday. He seemed depressed about that enough as it was. It wasn't that the songs were all gloomy. There are sparks of hope, but there is a definite sadness. But I love these songs, and I think the mix is more a gift to myself. I'm pretty sure I've listended to these songs as arranged a hundred times more than he has. But that's OK. I enjoyed the process, and I enjoy the result. Here are the songs:

• Wicked Game - Chris Isaak
  
• What's On Your Mind - Grand Avenue
  
• Art - Taproot
  
• Frozen - Madonna
  
• Slow Like Honey - Fiona Apple
  
• Be Still My Beating Heart - Sting
  
• Cellar Door - Michael Andrews
  
• Mad World - Michael Andrews
  
• Fragile - Sting
  
• Porcelain - Moby
  
• Darkness - The Police
  
• Not a Pretty Girl - Ani Difranco
  
• 32 Flavors - Ani Difranco
  
• Embrace Me - Gabriela Anders
  
• Signs of Love - Moby
  
• The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice
  
• Come - New Invisible Joy
  
• I Burn For You - The Police

I should make myself some more playlists. They inspire me so much. Even the sad ones. Maybe especially the sad ones.

I am going to clean the shit out of this place this weekend. I have got to clear this house out so I can think again. It's a huge distraction, made up of thousands of small distractions. I can't concentrate at all when I am surrounded by the guilt and shame of the mess and unfinished work. It doesn't matter who did it or why. I am taking charge and doing something about it. I'm not going to wait for anyone else to do things. I'm just doing them. There's been plenty of time, plenty of chances. I have to make space. Have space. Freedom. In so many ways.

I think I'm more awake now than when I started. I'm all excited now. I guess I'll find some less emotional, relaxing music and try to at least get closer to sleep. John shouldn't be too much longer. He's usually home before four, and it's 3:10 now. I really need to find a way to sleep by myself better that doesn't require the sun to be up. I can sleep during the day no matter what's going on. That's so not right. I'm going to find a book tomorrow if I have to drag my butt all over town. I'd have some hope of going to sleep if I had a book. It's no wonder I forget so much of what I read.

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One Year Ago Today: