Tomorrow

I have been quite prolific in my paper journal, but I haven't done much here. I'm working through a lot of personal stuff that, though interesting and vital for me, would not make for very good reading for everyone else. For some reason, writing on paper with my own hand makes a better connection for me. I don't know if it's that I have time to think more or if it's just the act of writing. Whatever the case, I think it's the best way for me to wade through some troubling issues in my life. I'm not purposely keeping it out of the online world. I just have to find a way to convey it without all the muddiness that permeates my paper writing.

One thing that I do feel like expressing today is how I'm dealing with all the feelings surrounding the anniversary of the terrorist attacks. Much like last year, I feel completely overwhelmed and small. Even with an indirect touch, those events left a black smear on my emotions. I can't even imagine how it is to have been there or to be one of those left with a smaller family than when you woke up that morning. I feel like I have no right to even talk about how this makes me feel, like my feelings are selfish and petty in the light of those who lost so much. I still feel helpless. I still feel sickened. I still feel sad.

I know time heals. I don't burst into tears every time I see footage of the towers burning or crumbling, but I still feel like I'm not far from it. I wonder if I'm the only one who hasn't become more desensitized. In many ways I do feel very alone. Everyday life isn't that far from what it was before September 11, 2001. Not long ago, I heard that airports were looking into ways of decreasing the waits for security checks and how people are back to being annoyed and impatient. Car flags are tattered and uncared for. I've even seen a couple flags lying in the street. In a lot of ways, people are as materialistic, selfish, and intolerant as ever. Time does heal, and we're back to being ugly, arrogant Americans.

One year later, there is a new sadness for me. Networks are vying for viewers of their tributes. Retailers are vying for cash from memorabilia sales. People are vying for the label of Most Caring, Most Patriotic. I have gotten far too many email forwards in memory of September 11th recently. The cynic in me questions the intent of all of this. Are people really trying to pay tribute to the lives lost and learn something from it? I believe some are. I believe others are trying to get ahead on the backs of over 3000 dead.

Being close to the place where Flight 93 went down, we hear a lot of news about the site and what's going on there. There are some very nice things happening, like pilots from the 50 states and Puerto Rico coming in as representatives of support. People are visiting the site to make some kind of connection that I think we all seek. But others are looking to profit. Some retailers bought and rented prime areas to sell memorabilia and patriotic items. One admitted as much. No matter how much I think about it, I cannot think that's OK. Most all proceeds are going in their pockets. It's morbid capitalism, parallel in my mind to overpricing coffins and burial services that is common practice in the funeral business. I find no honor in profiting on grief and loss.

Many of these same feelings will keep the television off in our house tomorrow. I don't want to be desensitized. I don't want to see the World Trade Center come down hundreds of times, so that it no longer ties my stomach in a knot. It's not denial. It's wanting to avoid the over dramatization. It's to say no to the commercialism. I also don't want to cry all day long, because I know that's what I'd do if faced with too much memory. It's just too much. Every station. Every hour. Everywhere. And I don't see how it's going to help me in any way. I'll remember my own way.