The Weight of It All

I ran again yesterday. Both my running partner and I have been supremely lazy all summer, and we�re paying the price now. Fortunately, neither one of us can make it more than twice around the track, so no one is getting held back or left behind. We�re also both very happy to just be out there doing it again and not despising every minute of it. I still don�t understand how I can go out and run a whole 5K (3.1 miles if you were wondering) cold and then not be able to run more than a mile each time I go out after that. It doesn�t make sense to me but probably only because I don�t know enough. At least I�m moving, even if it is only once a week.

I had grand plans to run last Friday and then again over the weekend. As usual, I let John�s presence draw me away from my plans, and I stayed home with him all weekend long. When I asked him if he�d like to go running with me, he grunted. Really, he grunted at me. He could have just said, �No, thanks,� but he had to pull out the brutish grunt. I don�t think I�ll ever find a running partner in him. Maybe he needs another health crisis to light a fire under his ass. It sure would help me. So the first reason I want him to run is for me, not for him. Of course, I would like to see him in better health, so I can stop worrying that he�s going to keel over one day, but what I really want is someone willing, even wanting, to go running. I go without fail every week with my partner, but I just can�t seem to go on my own. No wonder buddies are a proven aid to exercise.

A definite deterrent from exercise is the aches and pains it causes. If our bodies are so wonderfully designed, why in the world don�t they become more inclined to move the fatter you get? But no, the fatter you get, the more you ache. The last two times I ran, my right hip hurts like hell. It feels like my leg is trying to escape the joint and just fall right off like a doll�s. If I push on my hip with my hand as I walk around, it feels fine. I never had this problem when I was thinner, even by only ten pounds. It aches for a couple days too, so not only do I have that as a disincentive, but there�s also the worry I will aggravate the hip even more. Do those skinny runners have this problem? No. It�s only the fat people that need the exercise, not that skinny runners don�t have problems. There�s a big difference between the pressure caused from a 200-pound body as opposed to a 150-pound one though. It�s a faulty design. Tell God I told you so.

I really don�t even know how much I weigh right now. I haven�t weighed myself in a month. Part of it is sheer avoidance and part of it is that I think I get too hung up on it. The only time I seem to do really well while tracking poundage is when I weigh myself every single day. I didn�t tell anyone I was weighing myself every day, but I was. I wasn�t affected by the daily fluctuations. I�ve been doing the worrying about weight thing for years, so I�m pretty used to seeing the scale go up and down every day. As long as there was a general downward trend, I did fine. It�s when that trend quit happening that I�d start having problems. In my frustration, I still turned to food. I have to yet to consistently substitute some other habit for that one. And doing so has been the least of my worries lately. It�s not that I don�t worry about it every single day, but I have so much else.

I have to say, I�ve been depressed for months now. All the changes and potential changes have worked me over. I feel completely beat down most of the time. I thought about mentioning it to the therapist several times, but the marriage counseling is going so well, that I don�t want to interrupt it. Next week, John can�t make it though, so I do have an individual appointment. Now I just have to keep myself from chickening out and talking about every other feeling I have but the general gloom that plagues me.

I talk about getting a job like it�s going to solve all these problems, but I do think it is going to distract me from them. I dwell on things too much, so a distraction is actually a good thing. I have too much time to sulk right now, so yes, working is going to solve everything. Everything. So there.