I should not have been allowed to have kids. It's not that I've done anything particularly horrible. I just have that feeling that I'm a really crappy mother. Maybe it's the cookies I promised to make with the kids for the past four or five days. Just like everything else in my life, I put them off. I procrastinate my kids. God! What kind of mom is that? See? I suck.

I was destined to have cats. I am destined to be a crazy cat lady. I feel it in my bones. Cats are great, because they are low maintenance and are very pleased when you ignore them, forget about them or put them off, unless they are hungry. They will do the same to you. Throw some kibble in a bowl. Change the litter once in a while. It's a match made in heaven as far as I'm concerned. I shouldn't have had kids and just had cats.

Being a glutton for punishment, I went and got a dog too. Dogs are not like cats. Dogs require maintenance. Dogs require attention. It's not that I don't love dogs, but I shouldn't have one. I love my kids too, but that doesn't make me be a good mom. I'm not a good dog mom as well. I'm considering cutting a big-ass hole (big asshole, ha!) in my door to install a doggie door and fencing the yard just so I don't have to get my lazy butt up to take the dog out. It's for me, not the dog. The dog will benefit of course, and that's good. Anything is good that helps the dog not suffer for my ineptitude.

My husband will be the first to point out all the good things I do for everyone. (When we argue, I will too.) But when I'm just feeling down on myself, he has a great way of telling me everything I do right. I have trouble seeing those things. I tend to narrow in on my worst qualities and base my self-judgments on those. He helps me see I'm not the worst there is. Still, I don't fall for the argument that I'm ok because there are people out there worse than me. You can always find someone worse, just as you can always find someone better.

My husband thinks I suffer from Supermom syndrome, and maybe I do. Despite my gross lack of perfection at anything, I'm a perfectionist at heart. It's the perfectionist in me that causes the substandard performance that I do. There is nothing like perfection to make you feel hopeless. Why try when you can't succeed? There is no success when perfection is your goal. It's unattainable. It's not a goal, no matter how you label it. It's a dream and always will be, so I'm dooming myself to failure before I even begin. Parenthood is just another victim of this.

So I do need to be easier on myself, but I also need to get over it. I have to stop moping about and do something. I'm still stewing in my horribleness rather than making anything better.

Today, I made a date with the kids to get the cookies made after Hammy gets home from school. I'm letting go of the ideal that I shouldn't have to set appointments. Maybe I shouldn't have to, but I do. So it's either make the appointment and do something right or don't make the appointment and do nothing at all. Seems the choice is pretty clear. So stop by at 3:30. We'll be mixing up some oatmeal scotchies.