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�You have the devil in you.� A patient said that to me yesterday as I smiled at her and told her it was time to come back for her appointment. Me? I have the devil in me? I was inclined to turn around and look behind me, but it was quite clear she was speaking to me. I told her I was a very good girl, but she said I wasn�t. She obviously doesn�t read my journal. If I have the devil in me, he is certainly much more boring and stupid than he�s been made out to be. Or maybe I have something new on which to blame all my problems, so I can continue doing nothing about them.

After this morning, I think perhaps I married the devil rather than having him reside within me. Something crawled up John�s butt, he took it out on me, and I�ve been pissed at him ever since. He�s been pissed at me too, so he might argue that I am full of the devil, but he would clearly be wrong. He flipped out about something I said, read too many things into it, and then took a lovely pot shot at me to, as far as he was concerned, even the score. I�m awaiting his return email to the one I sent him in response to the one he sent me after we argued on the phone. Isn�t being married grand?

Can you believe that as I wrote that last paragraph I received an email from him saying he overreacted and was sorry? I think we should always argue through email.

Really though, wouldn�t it make sense to argue through print when doing it in person just gets everyone�s emotions in a bunch, and no one gets anywhere? We always seem to do better when we are forced to express ourselves in email or letters. It�s tempting, but there is something to be said about being adults and being able to handle disagreements as such. Of course, that would require that both be mature, which we always are not. Counseling would help that if a certain someone to whom I am married would start going more often again.

That�s another problem that my working has created. Because I work long days Mondays and Wednesdays, John comes home early to be here for the kids. He has to make up the hours other times during the week, which happen to fall on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Since counseling is on Tuesday, it loses out. I keep forgetting to ask if she has a later appointment available. John keeps mentioning that maybe we could take a break from it for a while. I keep going by myself. I don�t think now is the time to be taking a break when we are still adjusting to my new schedule. The counselor agrees, but John seems to think everything is just grand.

I�m feeling better than I usually would at this time of year, though Christmas looming ever so closely has got me feeling a bit pressured. Getting out of the house on a regular schedule does seem to help, and I feel more useful as a person. I�ve already been complemented on my performance, and I pretty well know what I�m doing. Those thoughts of wanting to go back to being a stay at home mom haven�t all gone away though, even with the phone calls after the kids get home from school and the near month that�s passed since I started. I can also see work getting tedious after a while, since there is little change in what I do. Still, I think the change was for the best, and I�m hanging in there. I�m sure I�ll adjust even more as time goes on. Our counselor is quite impressed with how well I�ve adapted, so I must be doing OK.

I still haven�t managed to get everything in order around the house though. I have no new routine in place, and the kids and John haven�t done all that much to pitch in where I left off. I keep telling John we have to sit down and write out a plan, but both of us just want to play like children every time we are off together. I also feel like I can�t do as many of the things I like to do, like writing in my journal. I know it�s all a matter of time management, and considering it�s been one whole month (I can hardly believe it when I say it), I suppose it�s due time I get a plan in order rather than whining about it.

But one last whine before I finish. Remember how I said I thought I�d lose some weight once I started working? Well, there has been no such thing. I�m sure all the working girls out there knew I had my head in the clouds, but how in the world could I keep up on calories when I hardly have time to eat the whole time I�m at work. That�s two whole days of eating a tiny bit in the evening and here and there throughout the day when I can manage to shove a few dried cherries or somesuch in my mouth and another half day of the same. Two and half days of super-reduced eating, and I�ve lost maybe three or four pounds. I don�t feel like I�m such a hog the remaining days of the week, but I must be. I suppose it�s due time I start journaling what I eat for a while. I�m obviously living in denial.