Busted?
I had a miniature freakout session yesterday after looking at my referrer logs and seeing the IP address of my father-in-law. Then, I later received the Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe from him, leading me to believe, in his wry way that he found me out. It would be very much like him to read my rant on spam and proceed to send me some, kind of a way of telling me he found me if I'm smart enough to figure it out.
I don't share things here that I wouldn't share in person, but there are things I haven't shared. I haven't given the web address to anyone I know save my husband and one distant friend, neither who read the journal. It's not that I want to keep myself a secret, but knowing how worried I am about what others think of me, I would probably write differently if they knew. I doubt I'd be so open. It really comes down to those close to me really getting to know me. I doubt myself so much that I'd be afraid if they knew all about me, they'd think me a freak. Maybe I am. Or more likely, I just shouldn't worry about it so much.
It's not like I talk smack about the people I know. This isn't a place for that. If I can't mouth off to someone's face, I have no business doing it behind a person's back on a forum the world can see. (I said can, not would.) That is definitely not the person I want to be. I won't say I haven't said anything that might irritate some of the people in my life, but you won't find me ranting about any individuals unless I've told them off in real life. I owe people that much. Fortunately, I haven't really felt the need to do such a thing. I'm pretty non-confrontational and try to either ride things out or work it out myself.
I try to think how I would feel if I discovered the online journal of someone in my life. I think I would be fascinated, as long as I wasn't reading what a total bitch I was without knowing the person thought me a bitch in the first place. I'd probably see it as a way to connect to the person more. But I have to ask myself if I'd be offended that the web site wasn't shared with me in the first place. I'd like to think not. If I found K kept an online journal without telling me, I'd probably just feel the need to ask her if it was ok for me to read. I know that if it's on the web, anyone should be allowed, but I guess I can see where someone would want to write "anonymously." Sometimes it's nice to be able to dump your heart out to the faceless masses, like a confession of sorts.
I don't really know why I do this. I guess mostly it feels like someone is listening to me. It also helps me practice writing some if I ever do decide to do something with it. It's a place I can be real, in all the different ways that I am real. I don't have to play any one role or feel the need to censor how I feel so much. I'm sure that says something about my real world life and about me. I'm afraid to be judged. It's that simple.
I don't doubt someone (or many ones) I know will find this place one day. I don't keep my identity that big a secret. I do small things to make it less easy than plugging my name into a search engine to find me, but that's about it, because I don't strive to be anonymous, just to be true to myself. I don't feel strongly enough to be that with my family just now. I've always felt like the real me is not completely accepted by them. So simply put, I hide.
The truth is, there are many aspects of my real life that aren't included in my online journal and vice versa. I don't necessarily consciously think to leave things out, but I don't have time to write it all down or share it. Anyone that has access to both has a much more complete picture of Cindy. That is a bit disconcerting. I'm not looking to be a mystery, but it's scary to feel so open and vulnerable too. It's easier if you aren't liked for what people think you are rather than who they know you are. At least, it's easier to justify in your own mind.
I thought about this a lot when I was getting several hits from Nebraska, and it's probably going to come up more and more as my journal ages or until I spill the beans. I just hope that whoever does find me will let me know it and that I won't change drastically after that happens.
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One Year Ago Today:
