Flowers, Dinner and Candy

I didn't get a phone call all day yesterday, except when he called me back the one time in the late morning. That made me really mad. The phone call made me mad. His attitude made me mad. I was just plain mad. The one good thing about my being mad is I get really productive. I often clean or cook or work on things I've been conveniently ignoring, so being mad isn't all bad.

This time, I made a nice dinner and took a little pleasure in John not being there to enjoy it too. I was just sitting down when I heard the garage door opener. I admit I was a little disappointed. I resolved to be silent, since I don't think arguing in front of the kids is a very good idea. Being quiet isn't so easy for me when I'm mad, so I had to pump myself up for it. I shoveled in bites of food to keep my mouth full and keep myself occupied as I heard him coming up the stairs.

So when John handed me a bouquet of flowers, I had a mouthful of egg noodles and beef tips. Good thing I didn't let my mouth hang open, because it wouldn't have been pretty, but a gaping mouth would have been an appropriate response.

The flowers and sorry to go with them were enough to suspend my silent treatment, but it was the dinner he brought home that really got me. He didn't just pick up dinner; he went to the store and bought food to make. Granted, it was fish sticks and shrimp and frozen fries, but knowing John, that was an effort. The man can't cook. He burns grilled cheese sandwiches because he doesn't know how to make them. So frozen food was a good choice. Trying to make something any more complicated would have resulted in a much later dinner and, in the end, us piling in the car to get take-out.

He was a little disappointed to find dinner was made, but he couldn't have expected me to be waiting. It was already 7:00. He put everything away and said we would have it tomorrow. If he really wants to surprise me, he would still make the dinner himself. If I were to go by his track record, I'll be making dinner this evening, but he's surprised me thus far. We'll see.

After dinner, he took care of the kids, making sure they both had their baths since school was the next day. He did spend time on eBay looking at guitars, which pushed his Cindy ranking back down a bit, but he later went to the convenience store and bought me a candy bar for an evening snack and some half and half for my coffee this morning.

I didn't really need a candy bar, but I wanted a candy bar. I was still trying to console my hurt feelings, and chocolate is always my first method of attack. It's a bad way of coping. I'm still working on that.

We did talk later in our most common spot, the bathroom. I lay in a tub of cooling water, while he sits outside. Sometimes I wonder why we even bother talking. I don't know that we resolved anything. He knows he's wrong for not having the phone with him, but he still doesn't understand my desire to have more of him. He doesn't see how calling me and spending uninterrupted time with me mean anything significant. I think it's going to be a long time, if ever, before he gets this sharing business.

It's been eight years. I don't have a lot of hope for that left, but I do love him. Though the areas lacking in our relationship hurt me, they aren't so much that I can't live with it. It's only when I lose focus of the good things that I feel overwhelmed and completely hopeless about our future together. Some aspects I do have to give up on for my own sanity. I need to learn to accept him as much as he needs to learn to accept me. This is our process. Sometimes it's not pretty. Sometimes it's immensely beautiful. I'd say that's pretty good.