After the funeral of John�s paternal grandmother on Tuesday, John and I sent emails back and forth the rest of the week. I was going to send him something about picking the kids up Friday, but he called first. He sounded grim and said I obviously hadn't heard. His other grandmother was in the hospital after suffering a heart attack, being resuscitated, and seemed to be brain dead. His brother was picking him up from work to take him to the hospital. He wasn't sure if I would want to go or not, and at first, neither was I. But I decided I needed to go, just as I did the last time.
This was his mom's mom, and she was always a card. She had one of the spunkiest personalities I've ever seen in an older person (or any person for that matter), and I always enjoyed her immensely. The woman could cook too, something everyone in the family enjoyed. She was at John's other grandmother's funeral, and was just fine for 83. Her health had been declining in the past couple years. She had just told Booie at the funeral that she still had her other grandma, so it was clear she was not feeling poorly. But that made it all the more sudden and unexpected.
I stayed at the hospital with John and his family until all of his grandmother's six children arrived. As the night went on, her vitals became more and more unstable. I told John's mom that they shouldn't leave, though she might want to verify that with the nurse. He affirmed my suspicion that Grandma probably wouldn't make it through the night.
She was very specific that she did not want to be kept alive by machines and had a living will. She didn't want a viewing or a funeral and wanted to be cremated. At times, while I was in her room, I envisioned her cursing us out for keeping her like that. But the family needed to spend that time with her. Since everyone had been able to come and say goodbye, they decided not to wait for the neurologist's report in the morning and let the nurse know they wanted her taken off the ventilator.
We all left the room while the staff filled out paperwork and prepared her. When the nurse was ready to remove the tube, we gathered outside the room and were allowed in once the tube was removed. The family gathered around her, touching her as she seemed to try to breathe a few last breaths. It wasn't two minutes before she was gone.
I felt honored to have been there. It was harder than I could have imagined, made even more difficult seeing her sons' and daughters' grief over losing their mother.
As per her wishes, there was no viewing and funeral. A memorial service will be held later this month. Booie was very sad she wouldn't be able to say goodbye and see her great grandma one last time, but I couldn't bring myself to take her to the funeral home to view the unprepared body with some of the other family.
John stayed at the house that night and the following three, and everything was just fine between us. Again, I wanted to support him the best I could, though I can't say a part of me didn't just want him here. It probably wasn't the best decision on either of our parts for him to stay so much (or at all). Booie asked me every day, sometimes more than once a day, if Daddy was staying or when Daddy was going. She was so happy to have him home. He finally did go back to his apartment for a couple nights before he came back and spent the night before the kids and I left for Nebraska.
I debated leaving for many reasons. After losing two grandmothers, I felt bad for leaving John at the holidays. I had second thoughts about going myself, not really sure if I wanted to be away either. But Kay and my mom paid to get us there, and Hammy was going out to see his dad regardless. Everyone, including John, told me how good it would be for me, how I needed it. And in ways, I did need it. I didn�t want another holiday like Thanksgiving, being alone and sad. Even with John being so much better with me until right before we left, I couldn�t guarantee it meant anything more than he was seeking comfort during a difficult time. There was no funeral to miss either.
It wasn�t easy leaving though. After all that happened, I felt raw again. The death of two grandmothers in a week�s time would have been terrible no matter what, but on top of losing my husband, I felt like I�d been beaten mercilessly. It was apparent many were concerned about me, even those who had just lost their mothers. In the midst of their own grief, they asked how I was doing and expressed their sympathy of all I�ve been through. With things being better between John and me, even starting before the first death, I had hope that at least one thing could be made better for me. I didn�t want to abandon that, but I went anyway.
John was odd on the phone with me after he left the house, and the night he stayed before we left, which only added to my desire to cancel the trip. I couldn�t guarantee that his change in behavior was because of our impending departure and the holidays he would have to spend alone or if it was because he was going back to where he was with me before. I couldn�t base my action on him, no matter the visions I had of us reconciling over the holidays.
Loss on top of loss on top of loss. I started praying to John�s grandmothers along with my prayers to God--mostly asking for help to let us all see clearly, hoping that focus would bring John and me back together, but if not that I could have peace in my heart. Despite all my doubts and negative feelings about religion, I still have faith there is more to us than our physical being, now more than ever. That way John�s grandma finally gets to be with her husband after nearly twenty years apart.
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One Year Ago Today:
