This might take a while. Where to begin?
At the end of November, things between John and I weren't looking good at all. Then he started feeling like we could see each other again, and it started with me going to his apartment early December. He originally said to do things as friends, and I suggested it be more like dating. With our history, "friends" just wasn't going to cut it for me. He never actually said that was OK, but we did see each other after I said that. We got along well when we were together, and he wasn't afraid to communicate with me like he was before.
Later that week, his grandmother, who had been in the hospital for an upper respiratory infection, had a sudden heart attack and was left brain dead. He and I went to the hospital to see her. It was a difficult thing to see her on the machines, and she was having spasms. I feel in my heart she was already gone when we went to see her, but for some reason, going there helped give me some closure. She was taken off the ventilator the next day and died.
John stayed the night here at the house for three nights. I haven't always been there for him through difficult times, because I was so absorbed in myself. In particular, his friend passing in the summer comes to mind. I wanted to support him this time, even though his grandmother's death pained me too. We both agreed to put things aside for a while, and we did OK.
That weekend, he, the kids, and I went to Narnia, and then he and I went to a hockey game. On the way to the game, I brought up some issues I had. It wasn't the best time to do it, and I knew that. Fortunately, I stopped myself from getting too emotional, and we still had a good night.
It was on the night we went to the hospital that I found out John took off his wedding ring. After crying at the hospital over his grandmother, I was particularly sensitive, and I burst into tears in the parking lot of the restaurant where we were meeting his parents and brother. He assured me it meant nothing and that he only did it because it was bothering him when he gained weight and then lost it. He's gained weight and lost it before and never took that ring off. I have a hard time accepting that reason, but I've given him the benefit of the doubt. He still hasn't put it back on though, even though when I asked him if he would eventually, he said yes.
We attended the visitation and funeral together. John and Hammy were pallbearers. Booie wanted to attend both services as well. She wanted to be able to say goodbye and insisted on being there, though she was the only small child there. She later asked me why everyone kept commenting on her being there. I told her it's hard for some kids to go to things like that. Some people shelter their kids too much from death, but some kids just wouldn't understand.
John's grandmother was a dear, sweet soul. Even though I'm not a particularly religious sort, I always admired her faith. John once told me that when his grandmother prayed for something, it often came to pass. He said his ex-wife once asked his grandmother to pray to find a necklace, and she found it the next day. I don't know why that stuck with me, but it did. She used to give things away if you even mentioned liking it a little bit, so I started being very careful about saying I liked anything she had. Sadly, she hasn't been in good health for well over a year, and seemed to give up on life. I can't say it's better that she died though, but it seems my thoughts aren't relevant in the grand scheme of things. I hope my thoughts on helping John find his way back to his family are heard though.
Since this is long enough, I'll end here and continue in the next entry. Unfortunately, the worst of it isn't over with this entry.
---------------------------------------------
One Year Ago Today:
