I came out to Nebraska for Christmas as planned, but it's been so hard, even harder because of the approach of the new year. I don't know why it means so much to me, but it does. It always has. Being without John hurts. He may not even call. He doesn't know. I guess I just need to get used to him not caring. I shouldn't have asked or said anything. I should have just sucked it up and felt sick the rest of the night and tomorrow. It would be a lot better if I did give up and move on. I just don't know how to move on yet. I think I need to figure it out though, decide how to truly separate and get on with life without him, admit my marriage failed and that I'm not right for him no matter how right he may be for me.

He took off his ring. He doesn't tell me he loves me. He moved out... It's over. I just can't get my hopes up about anything at all. He made an appointment for joint counseling, said we woult talk when I return, and was doing more with me, but he got weird before I came out here, and hasn't really wanted to talk to me since I've been here. And now, he doesn't know if he wants to call me at New Year's. I just need to detach. Protect myself. He's gone, and I need to carry on that way, not like I can win him back.

Why do I want someone who treats me like this back in my life so bad? Fear? Insecurity? Or is it what I have claimed all along, and I love him that much. Throughout all of this, I have kept loving him, and I love him now. If I didn't, this wouldn't hurt so much.

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One Year Ago Today: