Despite Trying

I tried to look up. I really did. Little did I know the shadow that's been hanging over me was attached to the bully that would knock me back down. I didn't think it was going to get worse, but it did anyway. It did in a way I never expected.

If I thought my heart hurt before, it's nothing like it hurts now.

I thought things were back on track. Since our counseling session, we've been doing much better. This weekend, it seemed even better than that. I have been working hard not to yell and scream and be an irrational, overemotional ninny, and he has avoided being a cold, defensive, uncaring ass. We smiled at each other a lot, hugged, sat close together when we could and just generally enjoyed one another. We talked every day just like we're supposed to do, and it was always calm if not productive. Hammy wasn't the only one that's needed snapped back on track. We needed it too, and it seemed like we got that in counseling last Tuesday.

Yesterday, there was a derailment. We don't have counseling tonight, because our doctor has something else going on. I don't know that I've ever needed it more.

There are some people who would say I'm overreacting, I'm sure. I don't know. Maybe I am. It's not like John has been having an affair or even had a one night stand. It's not that severe, but what did happen was a huge blow to me. I've been particularly vulnerable lately. I don't feel good about myself at all. I have been entirely unsuccessful at losing weight, and the one thing I was doing to help that has been put on hold by the doctor. Now that I want to exercise, I'm not supposed to do it, and that really makes me feel low. I feel fat and unattractive, so this whole thing hurts that much more. He hit me where it would hurt most, so maybe I am taking it harder than I should. Or maybe I'm taking it exactly as I should.

Regardless of the general opinion, I feel like shit. I feel hurt and betrayed. I feel like some of the things over which we've argued countless times just got a stroke in my favor, though I would rather it didn't. I've always said that John doesn't consider me or put me high enough among his priorities. He doesn't think. He just goes with the flow, takes the path of least resistance. This time, he ran into a bump, a bigger bump than he's used to seeing, and he didn't handle it. At all.

11:03 AM

I talked to Kay, and she helped me feel a lot better and get some perspective on this whole thing. It was good to hear what she had to say, and she was able to present a clear-headed opinion of the issue. She thinks I am being emotional, but that it's justified. What I have to do is let all of that out and then focus on the positives. It's no wonder the woman teaches. She has a lot of counseling education. She's very good at it.

Still, I'm left questioning my trust. Do I believe that this woman instigated contact with him? Do I believe nothing else happened? Do I believe he told me because he felt he should or because he was afraid of me finding out elsewhere? I'm afraid of being the fool. I always trusted him completely. I trusted him with other women more than I've trusted anyone. I had complete faith he would never do anything, never let a situation get to where something even had a chance of happening. I was wrong. How wrong am I?

I waver between wanting to believe him and not. I suppress the desire to hurt him back, to find some way to make him feel as hurt, stupid, betrayed and ugly as I do. I wonder if I can get over these feelings or if this was the last straw. I've been so unhappy for such a long time, and he said he wants to work on things and make it better but then he does this. What does that tell me? I'm so utterly confused, and I can't think clearly at all. It might be easier for me to handle if he did just fuck someone else. That would be clear-cut. But then I suppose I'd have a whole new set of worries and questions.

Talk about a shitty Valentine's Day.

Through all of this, I always end up coming back to me. If I didn't get so fat, if I wasn't such a nag, if I were more confident, if I had told him I wouldn't like what happened to another bandmate that night, if I supported him more, if I was a better mother and housekeeper, if I didn't drive him to it. I keep asking myself what's wrong with me. Am I that awful?

What's wrong with me?

I know I'm insecure. I know have confidence issues. I wear it plainly in 50 pounds of extra fat on my body. I do believe that part of this problem is in me. I just always felt like I could trust him with those insecurities. I thought I'd be able to get through them without having to worry about my husband, but now that's not true. Now I have all of those questions too. I keep asking myself if I'd done something differently, would it be different now, and I believe that it would. I play the big, mean, tough girl, but I'm not. I'm not at all. And now I find myself wishing there really is something wrong with me, that maybe all this stuff with my heart is something serious, so then I won't have to hurt like this anymore. And then I can hurt him too.

But I don't believe there is anything wrong with me, especially now when my stress and heartache are at their worst, and the pain I've felt in my chest is too. I think it's just manifesting itself there, and it's not something seriously wrong or life threatening. It's just like my heart, my figurative emotional heart, can't take any more, so it's coming out in real, physical pain. Now I know why they call it heartbreak.

I'm sorry I feel this way. I'm not proud of it. But I'm being honest, like he insists on being honest. Sometimes honesty isn't pretty. I really don't know what to do, and I just want to go back and erase all of it, but I can't. I've felt so very bad the past couple weeks, the past few days. I was having trouble not crying about stupid, little things. Now I'm having trouble just not crying.

I still love him. That's why this hurts like it does. But right now, there's a blanket of anger and pain over it. I still can't believe he did this to me... to us.