No matter how tired I am, I still wake up at night.
I was looking through... no, not even looking through, but clearing all the new phone numbers from the caller ID, and I found that Rhonda had called. I knew John had talked to her, but I wasn't sure how or when. I don't know why I wrote it down. I don't hate her or want to call her. I just wanted it, kind of like the pictures of the woman John touched that time. It's a strange compulsion. Documenting his betrayal, I guess.
This was the first day there was no contact from him at all. I had a horrible day, just like yesterday. I asked his mom for help, and she came over for a while. It did help too. Nothing makes the pain go away though. It seems to be getting worse, not better. I can't go much lower, or I'll probably lose all sanity. I feel so close sometimes.
I've lost a lot of hope, not just about saving my marriage, but about myself. I don't see myself carrying on and getting stronger. I don't see myself improving or reaching goals. I'm just trying to see myself into next week.
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One Year Ago Today: