I seem better able to write on paper lately, but I'll try the typing thing this time. Writing with pen and paper has a meditative quality for me. I always get distracted when at the keyboard. At least that's how it's been lately.

I'm back to wondering how in the world I can get so negative and depressed about things. In counseling, the doctor kept asking what I wanted to do, how I felt, and what I thought. I kept answering, "I don't know." I told her that I sway between feeling like I'm doomed to unhappiness and thinking I'm overreacting. After our session on Tuesday, she made a strong suggestion that we make it a priority to go to counseling together for a while. The individual thing we'd been doing just wasn't enough. It seems we're in a bit of a crisis. I would have completely agreed with her a few days ago, but today I think it was just another of my spells. I'm completely irrational.

I did tell myself that this time I'm not going to go back to thinking everything is OK. I know it's not. I have a lot of issues to think through. I still have the same decisions to make. Am I able to handle this pattern of not getting what I want, blowing up about it, and then seeing that John really is a good person, even if he can't express himself to me? That's what I don't know. If he would be like he has been the past few days, I could be very happy. I think I scared him into submission, but it won't last. Maybe that's a pessimistic view, but I can't just believe everything is fixed now. I've done that too many times, and I always end up back where I was on Sunday. In fact, I think I feel even worse when we've had a good run, because I get my hopes set up for an even greater fall. I haven't forgotten anything. I'm successfully maintaining a pretty bad attitude.

It was much the same last year. Is the cycle that regular? Of course, last year there was the whole mess with him pawing another woman. Thank goodness he didn't do that again, but he's been about as sensitive. It doesn't take betrayal to make me feel like I'm worthless. I just need neglected.

And now there's that damn Valentine's Day tomorrow. We aren't doing anything special. We usually don't. He likes to get me gifts, but I can't help but feel he's trying to buy my forgiveness. I don't equate gifts with love. It's nice to get things sometimes, but it doesn't take the place of being hugged or having a hand run through your hair. I'd rather get a big, long, sappy letter or an evening of doting. Bliss would be a whole weekend of being treated like a princess, his reason for living. But I would like to get that without having a day to tell him to do it. I don't think Valentine's Day is stupid. I'm sure I'm not alone in wishing there were more than just one of them though.

I didn't think all I'd do is talk about my relationship when I sat down to write today. But then I typed in my Sunday entry, and it got me thinking about all that stuff again. I suppose it's good to be reminded of it. I tend to avoid such thoughts when things get better. It would be best if John and I would talk about this when I haven't reached the end of my rope. We might actually be productive if we did that. But we both tend to want to submerge ourselves in the untroubled times and take a break from the stress. I'm always about planning for the future and foresight in most everything but obviously not in my relationship. Could be why all our energy is spent putting out fires.

I'm feeling pretty good about everything now. Energized, you could say. I started exercising again, which I'm going to do today. I am ready to tackle the mess that is my house. I'm going to the grocery store and cooking dinner tonight. I'm making lists and plans and getting everything in order. Never have I really done that with my marriage, but I think maybe it's time I put my planning energy toward that too.

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